I went to a meeting last night and synchronicities were abound. All the speakers seemed to share something about themselves that were really important for me to hear.
One man said the above when talking about a challenging situation that he normally would obsess about. He said, "pain will be there but whether I cause myself suffering or not is up to me". Another man shared that in early recovery, someone came up to him, looked him straight in the eye and said "You are afraid of AIR aren't you?" Meaning, early recovery IS scary. I know for us accidental addicts we may think we are different, but I do feel afraid of AIR lol. If I make the wrong move, have the wrong feeling, develop an attachment to something my suffering can be intense right now, All gas no breaks.
I loved the community and spiritual sharing that is happening in the group. I shared that I am nearing the end of my taper (not quite...4-6 mos if I take it slowly) and have been in an ok place, meditating daily for long periods of time. However, the other day I had an emotional conversation with my partner and took a left turn straight into resentment, fear, blame......the talk, or should I say the monologue went on for a good 3 hours after which I was so amped up, so toxic I couldn't sleep.
Reminders for benzo idiots like me!!!
Nothing overly emotional right now!
No big decisions
Tell your truth, and say it kindly
Obsessive looping thoughts are part of benzo withdrawal but they may have been part of you before the benzos---take a step BACK. WAY BACK.
Accept love and caring. Keep it simple.
I am reminding myself of this and continually forget moderation and balance in this process. Today I feel like I am coming down with a cold or cough..... My body feels weak and tired. I don't want to get slammed with withdrawal as I did before. But if I do, I do.
Here I am, I am afraid to say I have been doing better because I don't want to jinx myself. I still feel a bit manic (again, no prior history guys!!) and need to walk like 1.5 hours per day to burn off all the excess energy that I have. I am lucky to be able to do that.. I don't think I have a choice. What I worry about is if this excess energy takes a left turn at the end and I end up with akathesia or acute. I posted on BB --how many people have ended up with acute after an accidental cold turkey or fast taper? If I hadn't sensitized my system or had protracted BEFORE this mess I would feel more confident. And yet, there is nothing I can do but trust the process and trust my body and surrender.
I helped someone today whose sister wasn't well.. she thought she had a brain tumor and felt her brain wasn't working right. Nope. Ambien and klonopin. Once it was identified she felt horror and relief.... WHY is this happening everywhere? How are young people, professionals, innocent people with medical conditions, mothers, fathers, computer programmers, lawyers, writers, people who had full lives being led down this dark road and assured that it's ok. I guess it is ok for many.. but is it? Maybe it isn't as dramatic as the stories on BB but how can this practice be a good thing? After so much data, so many stories of suffering, we have to put an end to the overprescription and misinformation around this issue.
I have been feeling more grounded. At least for today.
6 or so months to go if I do this carefully. We will see. Maybe I can do it in less. Then everyone says, don't expect to just be well once you are off.... it takes time for the body and mind to heal. Heal Heal Heal. These words are music to my ears.
I love this quote by Brene Brown.
Our Job is not to deny the story.but to DEFY the ending-to rise strong, recognize our story and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes, this is what happened, this is my truth and I will choose how this story ends.... --Brene Brown
Two good days followed by being somewhat slammed today. When I say good days these are not my 'normal' pre benzo days. I am barely working. I have to limit the friends I see or talk to. I have to limit anything overly emotional, including dealing with children's tantrums at times. Normal in benzo withdrawal means being hyper aware of self care. Today I had a splitting headache, but it's hard to know--is it withdrawal? Is it a sign to slow the taper down? It's eased up this evening.
My partner and I are getting along better. In some ways this adds to my confusion. It's all part of it--symptoms for me are absolutely connected to my stress related thoughts. Much of this is physiological (burning, burning, chest pain,panic type of feeling, akathesia) but this requires an extreme amount of patience and slowing down to take things very very easily and carefully. Every word. Every action. Every thought. Every feeling. All must be considered carefully before engaging with my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
I have been meditating steadily for 1/2 hour to about an hour. Each night when everyone is asleep, I begin my meditation. No apps, no timers, just me and the couch, and my breath. I am able to get into a deepened state of relaxation after the monkey mind quiets down.
I highly recommend following Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza.
I talked the other day with the director of As Prescribed. What a lovely woman, with so much compassion and insight and of course experience of her own. The movie may be coming out in the next year or so, and I hope by then my CNS is healed up. It was encouraging to hear that she did not deal with acute withdrawal. I wish I hadn't been so darn stubborn with my cold turkey and my fast taper because I feel my nerves already highly sensitized. But we will see what it brings. I have to believe whatever I am forced to go through it meant to be.... It will almost be time to put on my seat belt and brace for landing. I am under 2mg and so it is almost time to surrender. (4-6 mos away) The time is now.
Interesting thinking along similar lines....
The parallels between kundalini syndrome and benzo withdrawal. Striking.
Hard day today and I just need to vent. I have been struggling for over a year. I haven't known peace inside, I haven't known or recognized my body or mind in over a year. Moments, glimpses of me, but not me. It's scary. It's lasting so long. I don't know that I made the right call by 'reinstating'...who did I listen to? The internet? The doctors? Doctors have so many opinions. What I felt was so unbearable I can only imagine if I had not reinstated I would have been hospitalized. So I am at the lower numbers right now. The sounds of my children crying, the needs of others, the news, the lack of understanding from people because I 'look fine' it's weighing on me. I don't look fine. I don't feel fine. I met a new friend and shared what was happening. Initially when we met she asked me if I was anorexic. The horror. She said, I look a bit 'off' but that she can see the potential within. I see photos of myself from 4 years ago,,, before my remission abated and before this madness. It's been a slow decline. The universe is getting me to wake the fuck up.; I am ready to wake the fuck up and heal and move on but my body won't cooperate. I suspect I am just getting ready for the flood. I suppose I have to walk through a dark tunnel to my ultimate healing. A friend called today and I lied about how I was doing. She wasn't a close friend and I can't tell this stupid story over and over again. I spent time with my kids, one on one and it was hard. I hate that spending time with them is hard. But the inner restlessness, the agitation today is something else. I am going on a long long walk.
I am trying to shove food in my mouth every chance I get, fortify myself before the land. 5 more months to go, maybe six. Cannot do more. Cannot do it. Then 6-18 months to heal. Will I be the lucky one? Will I escape acute? Who will pay the bills? Who will take the children to school? My partner hasn't been working lately. I am trying not to worry but I also cannot surrender, but I must surrender and know that I will be taken care of. How will I make the necessary changes in my life that I would like to make RIGHT NOW. Spirit, whoever, guide me through this because I am done fighting. I am so tired of this struggle, this suffering is crazy. I know my thoughts cause half of it and the drug causes the other half. Goddamn GABA, grow the fuck back already my brain needs you.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.