ed Round and round we go on the merry go round of symptoms.
I woke today with despair as my head felt like it was plugged into an electrical socket and I just wondered--how is my body going to heal from this?
HOW?
Haunting advice and words from doctors echoed in my mind over and over again like a tape recorder on repeat. 
My OCD which was mild before this madness is now pretty extreme.
I have a thought, a fear and I have to catch it before it grows into a large tumor in my mind.
"What if I never heal"
"What if I'm one of the unlucky ones"
"What if there's something else wrong"
"There IS something else wrong"
"What if this kills me"
" What if there was wine in that dish I ate at dinner tonight?"
"What if that piece of chocolate sends me into a wave?"
" What if I catch my kid's cold and I need antibiotics?"
"What if I really run out of money and become homeless?"
"What if I lose everything?"
"How am I ever going to work again?"
"What if the akathisia never goes away?"
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And this doesn't include the 100,000 other fears, worries, thoughts that loop and loop like an endless sickening merry go round.

Here I am filling easter eggs for my kids while everyone in the house is sleeping. I feel amped like I'm on speed, it hurts but I keep going, I'm really not sure how.

Tips if you have a partner in benzo withdrawal:
I recommend skin to skin contact---hugging, lying together, holding hands, getting back rubs and foot rubs. 
Paint your nails if you can
Color your own hair if you can
Take a shower as much as you can
If they have obsessive thoughts,  give them one reassurance and then help them distract.
COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY
I've been watching Bill Burr and Chris Rock and Dave Chapelle--so many fantastic specials on if you can watch some TV, do.
Limit phone usage at night ( I am not good at this) and focus on comedy, dabbing essential oils on your feet and wrists and drinking some mint tea.
Limit symptom talk to a small amount of time per day, then move on.
Words with Friends, puzzles, coloring books, knitting, painting, writing,...keep your hands and mind busy, away from this pain IF you can.

If you're in full blown akathisia or acute forget the above its 911 emergency--get everyone and anyone you feel safe with to be by your side cooking, cleaning, helping and holding you.
You're doing your best and this is temporary, keep going my friends.....

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/16/health/elderly-drugs-addiction.html


My doctor  mentioned this article that I had posted on my fb feed. 
He said there was another article in the New England Journal of Medicine that also addressed the growing problem of benzo withdrawal, but he said he found one fatal flaw in the article!
The article claimed that there were effective treatments for benzo withdrawal which my doctor clearly admitted THERE ARE NONE. They don't exist.

Get on but whoops we can't get you off.
Oh, you needed these pills to begin with because it's your old condition reappearing.
Oh, you're just exaggerating, you look fine to me.
Oh, you look like you've aged ten years but I think you should go to a psych hospital,
Oh, your akathisia isn't really akathisia it's just anxiety.
Oh, these online groups are the cause of your suffering.
Oh, I've never seen this before, I don't know what this is.

On and on and on the gas lighting goes. 

Until you realize: Holy fucking shit. I'm completely alone.

Better yet they say, just stay on forever because as one doctor told me, " You're trying to control the process".

Fuck yeah I am trying to control the process once I trusted you and you singlehandedly ruined my entire central nervous system and health. 

Fuck yeah I'm going to do my own research and not listen like sheep to what is in your outdated medical textbook.

Fuck yeah I'm going to turn to the support of others in the same "boat" as I am and look for a life raft

Hang on folks! Let's all hang on.

Sorry I'm in a funk because this terror today  is killing me. I can't be positive, or write anything positive when this terror invades every cell of my being 24 hours per day.  I just can't. 

TERROR
So much terror.
Someone asked me --what do you mean by terror?
I'm not sure how to describe it but it feels other worldy.
I can't say that I have experienced chemical terror before akathisia and drug withdrawal. 
Anxiety? Sure.  Worry? Of course.
But this?
Someone commented that my voice sounds good.
I don't know how to describe the skill that I have perfected which is probably called disassociation. I have mastered the art of completely leaving my body. 
I am not my body. 
I am not my symptoms.
I am me, my soul is still in here somewhere. 

I spent last night watching part of the Gary Shandling HBO special--a documentary about his life, struggle, comedy, self realization, acceptance etc.  Although I was not able to watch the whole thing, I highly recommend it.
By the way, xanax was in Gary's system during his death.

Of course it was.

The world, psychiatry and the medical establishment will soon understand this harm sooner than later. Maybe there will even be justice. Empathy. No more gas lighting. 

Anyway, sorry to digress.

Gary struggled with grief and worry and self consciousness and perfectionism his whole life but he had a commitment to self growth and growing consciousness.
He would write in these journals and coach himself on letting go of worry.
"Just be Gary"
"Just be yourself" he'd write in his journal. 

That's all we can be,
Our authentic selves.

If we are housebound, stuck on our couch, unable to socialize, eat, function, parent, work, drive walk, exercise, think, laugh, cry, this is it and hopefully with a higher power's help we can hold on until the sun shines again.
​
Hold on until the sun shines again and until then, be you, be exactly where you're at. 

 I am about 25 days post jump.
I haven't come on here lately as I didn't want to even count the days I have been off this poison for fear of manifesting symptoms.

Well, here I am.

It's been a long long journey. I am far far far from healed but I did it.

Now I have two other medications to tackle: gabapentin and remeron. 
For right now, sadly these are the medications that are keeping me upright and not in a hospital.

We lost an amazing man in the benzo community.  In fact, he was the one who encouraged and convinced me to finally take the leap ( I was down to .03 valium taking a speck of dust in my mouth every evening for fear of what could happen).
He helped so many. He inspired others and helped everyone he could a long the way on his horrific journey.  I didn't expect his suicide (let's call it what it is--it is murder by Big Pharma) nor did I expect the impact it would have on me.  I think about him often, though I didn't know him that well. He was one of the people I felt comfortable in my benzo circle chatting with, sharing our experience, strength and hope together. He will be very very missed. 

He died, as far as I know, as a result of extreme akathisia that hadn't gotten any better. There may have been other reasons, I really don't know. I believe he would have healed if he had held on. But he couldn't and I respect his decision either way.  Bottom line, we lost a warrior and an angel. 

Anyway, that's the good, the bad and the ugly here.

Some of my post jump symptoms (similar to the ones prior to jump):
nerves frying 
bee stings
insomnia (5am I finally konk out)
chest pain that is debilitating at times
akathisia (my primary symptom masked by gabapentin)
basically a massive unwell feeling like I have the flu
Difficulty walking
Feel like I am walking through molasses mixed with a feeling of being on meth
Terror
electricity all over
head pressure beyond beyond it's scary
Fast heart rate
low blood pressure
stomach issues 
rectal spasms and bladder pain
difficulty breathing

oh so much more.....

The things that don't bother me:
depersonalization and derealization
tinnitus 

What else can I say?
Sorry to symptom talk but I thought someone might like to know. I'm sure I am missing something.
Hang on folks...
I still have a hard time seeing healing bc I am so kindled but I have no choice to put one foot in front of the other, hoping, praying that I can heal and find relief.

I hope that for that relief and peace for anyone reading this as well.

I am still unable to work, or take care of my family or do much of anything. I force myself on small walks daily as much as I can though they can be overstimulating to my CNS I do it anyway. I eat super clean and healthy, no dairy, or gluten and lots of fresh vegetables and fruits or green juices. I am on limited supplements: whole food vitamin C and elderberry, some magnesium chloride foot soaks and digestive enzymes and that is about all I am able to tolerate and risk at the moment. I am trying to "eat my nutrients" and who knows how the hell that is going....

That's my story for right now. I am wishing everyone a ton of healing energy!! Let's do this and make sure this never happens to anyone again!!!
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