Trial and Terror

TERROR
So much terror.
Someone asked me --what do you mean by terror?
I'm not sure how to describe it but it feels other worldy.
I can't say that I have experienced chemical terror before akathisia and drug withdrawal. 
Anxiety? Sure.  Worry? Of course.
But this?
Someone commented that my voice sounds good.
I don't know how to describe the skill that I have perfected which is probably called disassociation. I have mastered the art of completely leaving my body. 
I am not my body. 
I am not my symptoms.
I am me, my soul is still in here somewhere. 

I spent last night watching part of the Gary Shandling HBO special--a documentary about his life, struggle, comedy, self realization, acceptance etc.  Although I was not able to watch the whole thing, I highly recommend it.
By the way, xanax was in Gary's system during his death.

Of course it was.

The world, psychiatry and the medical establishment will soon understand this harm sooner than later. Maybe there will even be justice. Empathy. No more gas lighting. 

Anyway, sorry to digress.

Gary struggled with grief and worry and self consciousness and perfectionism his whole life but he had a commitment to self growth and growing consciousness.
He would write in these journals and coach himself on letting go of worry.
"Just be Gary"
"Just be yourself" he'd write in his journal. 

That's all we can be,
Our authentic selves.

If we are housebound, stuck on our couch, unable to socialize, eat, function, parent, work, drive walk, exercise, think, laugh, cry, this is it and hopefully with a higher power's help we can hold on until the sun shines again.
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Hold on until the sun shines again and until then, be you, be exactly where you're at.