Sorry I haven't written for a while. Thanks so much for the comments, I love to hear from everyone ( I just can't figure out how to respond!).
What is new in your world?
Here it's kids, summer, burning... and more burning.
August 3rd is 5 months off benzos.
Some people say at six months or five months that was their worst month. I think that because I have gabapentin on board every day is sort of the same, and the question of whether I am healing or not is up for debate.
My chest burns and it feels like there has been acid poured down my throat.
I am not sleeping much.
I'm up too late online, and I think this amps my system.
These are some things and some habits you should NOT do in benzo withdrawal.
I think I've always had a bit of a hard time with self-care. My old me would think self -care was, well..boring.
When I feel well I want to squeeze in as much normalcy as possible.
I went to the beach yesterday with my children and other couples were there with their kids. These are people I haven't seen in over a year, since I have been in hiding. These were acquaintances, even friends, that were pretty absent during my descent into akathisia and darkness mistaking it for "anxiety" and something I could will myself out of. I felt resentful and initially hesitated even joining them at the beach. But my need to move forward and my need to show my kids normalcy trumped my petty feelings. After all how can someone even fathom the disability that comes with psych withdrawal. I couldn't.
Even at the beach they marveled at how much "better I seemed". Well, partially it was an act. I felt ok minus the daily head pressure and terror,.. I just acted as if. I faked it. I did it for my kids and to try to move forward because I don't know if I'll ever feel safe and comfortable in my body again in the near future. Maybe this is it. I just don't know. This is my life and I have to live it.
I do know that staying indoors and talking about symptoms doesn't help me personally.
It's good to vent and when it gets really bad it's just life or death.. I must have over done things yesterday because the terror, acid chest feeling crept up on me late last night and has been with me all day. It hurts.
The take away is self care.
Getting on a regular schedule is something I aspire to right now.
Keeping things so simple.
That's key for me.
I've been making more attempts at joining life again.
I went to the beach with my kids. That was a first in YEARS.
I'm four months off of the benzo July 3rd.
On my way home, I texted a friend that I was in a far away beach and he just exclaimed, "you're not well, what are you doing to yourself?"
But it was worth it when over dinner my son just mused, " today was a good day".
Until that evening.
I had dropped by a friend's house to watch the Netflix show called Nanette.
Mid way through I started to panic.
Did I take my medication that day?
Was I getting slammed with withdrawal?
Nausea and dizziness crept in and then the head pressure took center stage.
My chest started to get really hot... I can't seem to articulate or describe this symptom even now as I'm feeling it. Maybe my insides are burned. There is a heat and an empty feeling in my chest wall. My lungs start to get tight. Everything feels more wrong than right.
I excused myself and went into the bathroom and decided to take an extra gabapentin because I couldn't remember if I had taken my dose or not and was on the verge of throwing up. I braced myself and my eyes started to become dry like there was sandpaper inside of them.
I talked to a friend and ignored the symptoms. I didn't mention them once. Not once. I mean what's the point anyway.
Act as if I told myself, act as if.
I drove home late that night and didn't sleep until late. Too late.
Today has been a hard day but I forced myself to participate in life again.
If only my body would join me in this effort. If only my body would cooperate and not fight me every step of the way.
Sometimes, like now in particular, I think something is very wrong.
I mean I know it is. And yet aside from the online community, there really is nowhere to go with these thoughts, these feelings, and this experience.
I post on facebook and I'm sure my old "friends" and colleagues feel I've lost the plot. Some may relate quietly and secretly or know someone else that might be struggling from an invisible illness, a mysterious plague like I am.
Just writing this seems to help.
I tried to do some work earlier and though it went well the aftermath seems so dramatic.
I sprawled out on my bed face down and stared into space, in silence, just alowing my CNS to calm down. The chorus of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz that my brain or ears generate and that I hear as I lie down on the bed would be so strange and out of the ordinary to anyone enduring it for the first time. But it's my companion now, as all these symptoms are. They are just the new normal these days.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.