I've been making more attempts at joining life again.
I went to the beach with my kids. That was a first in YEARS.
I'm four months off of the benzo July 3rd.
On my way home, I texted a friend that I was in a far away beach and he just exclaimed, "you're not well, what are you doing to yourself?"
But it was worth it when over dinner my son just mused, " today was a good day".
Until that evening.
I had dropped by a friend's house to watch the Netflix show called Nanette.
Mid way through I started to panic.
Did I take my medication that day?
Was I getting slammed with withdrawal?
Nausea and dizziness crept in and then the head pressure took center stage.
My chest started to get really hot... I can't seem to articulate or describe this symptom even now as I'm feeling it. Maybe my insides are burned. There is a heat and an empty feeling in my chest wall. My lungs start to get tight. Everything feels more wrong than right.
I excused myself and went into the bathroom and decided to take an extra gabapentin because I couldn't remember if I had taken my dose or not and was on the verge of throwing up. I braced myself and my eyes started to become dry like there was sandpaper inside of them.
I talked to a friend and ignored the symptoms. I didn't mention them once. Not once. I mean what's the point anyway.
Act as if I told myself, act as if.
I drove home late that night and didn't sleep until late. Too late.
Today has been a hard day but I forced myself to participate in life again.
If only my body would join me in this effort. If only my body would cooperate and not fight me every step of the way.
Sometimes, like now in particular, I think something is very wrong.
I mean I know it is. And yet aside from the online community, there really is nowhere to go with these thoughts, these feelings, and this experience.
I post on facebook and I'm sure my old "friends" and colleagues feel I've lost the plot. Some may relate quietly and secretly or know someone else that might be struggling from an invisible illness, a mysterious plague like I am.
Just writing this seems to help.
I tried to do some work earlier and though it went well the aftermath seems so dramatic.
I sprawled out on my bed face down and stared into space, in silence, just alowing my CNS to calm down. The chorus of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz that my brain or ears generate and that I hear as I lie down on the bed would be so strange and out of the ordinary to anyone enduring it for the first time. But it's my companion now, as all these symptoms are. They are just the new normal these days.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.