Prison life is getting to me.
I mean that seriously. The prison is my mind and body. No one can see it. No one can sense it. But it's a prison, don't be fooled. 
Distractions have helped.  When I say helped I mean I'm breaking the day into small mundane tasks. 
Pay bills
Listen to music for an hour
Take a shower
Walk
Kids
Clean
Clean some more
Stay home.. no go out, no, stay home. Can't I just stay home forever? 
I'm bored out of my mind.
I've started watching documentaries on Netflix. Watching stories of horror make me feel less alone. I don't want to see happy people right now. I want to see human suffering, meaning made of these moments of darkness.
I watched a great one called One of Us about Orthodox Jews trying to leave the community. It was about faith, rejection, addiction, love, bravery and extremism.
I watched Wild Wild Country which was equally great. 
Now what?
I had a very vivid dream. I was in my childhood home, my cat was there and there were many people getting ready for school or work. Taking showers, blow drying hair, picking out outfits. I was part of it. Just as everyone was leaving for their day I realized I couldn't leave like everyone else. I was not going to school or work. I wasn't going anywhere. I couldn't go. Everyone left without me and I was left stuck. 
Feeling so so stuck.
Stuck in prison life.
I'm trying to make the best of it. 
I take my kids for ice cream and take pictures of me smiling.
I took them to the movies yesterday for Father's Day and the agitation mounted so intensely it was discouraging. 
I know this is the wrong attitude but it feels almost better NOT to try leaving the house much or doing much so I'm not reminded, like the dream, that I am not going anywhere anytime soon. 

90 days FREE of benzodiazepines.
90 days free of that tiny little pill that turned my life upside down.
90 days free from the chemical benzo  prison
90 days! 
I take 7 pills per day still. 
I'm duct taped together for now. No one sees it, but I feel it each step I take.

7 pills away from total chemical freedom
7 pills away from feeling my feelings again
7 pills away from being able to work
7 pills away from being able to parent again regularly and consistently
7 pills away from hiking up long mountain trails
7 pills away from sweating hard in a yoga class, feeling that relief and surrender in the end
7 pills away from these chemical hijakers
7 pills away from feeling love, joy again
7 pills away from feeling rest
7 pills away from sleeping soundly
7 pills away from relaxing gently 
7 pills away from no longer being so impulsive
7 pills away from regaining patience
​7 pills away from not acting like a monster sometimes
7 pills away from being responsible and capable again 

What will be left is the question.

For now, I am awake at 1 am. 
I've felt like I have had the stomach flu all day and the only thing that helps ( and I'm grateful I can do this) is walking alone listening to music.
My energy is so intense I need to keep walking and walking and walking.
I don't want to stop walking because when I do my reality comes crashing into me.

Grateful for my walks.
I'm grateful for new connections and friends
I'm grateful for my children, even if they don't know me the way I want them to.
Yes, this is hell each and every day. But just like if one would get locked up in prison, we must  adapt.

​Adapt and soldier on.

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