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Dopamine Deficient

6/18/2018

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Prison life is getting to me.
I mean that seriously. The prison is my mind and body. No one can see it. No one can sense it. But it's a prison, don't be fooled. 
Distractions have helped.  When I say helped I mean I'm breaking the day into small mundane tasks. 
Pay bills
Listen to music for an hour
Take a shower
Walk
Kids
Clean
Clean some more
Stay home.. no go out, no, stay home. Can't I just stay home forever? 
I'm bored out of my mind.
I've started watching documentaries on Netflix. Watching stories of horror make me feel less alone. I don't want to see happy people right now. I want to see human suffering, meaning made of these moments of darkness.
I watched a great one called One of Us about Orthodox Jews trying to leave the community. It was about faith, rejection, addiction, love, bravery and extremism.
I watched Wild Wild Country which was equally great. 
Now what?
I had a very vivid dream. I was in my childhood home, my cat was there and there were many people getting ready for school or work. Taking showers, blow drying hair, picking out outfits. I was part of it. Just as everyone was leaving for their day I realized I couldn't leave like everyone else. I was not going to school or work. I wasn't going anywhere. I couldn't go. Everyone left without me and I was left stuck. 
Feeling so so stuck.
Stuck in prison life.
I'm trying to make the best of it. 
I take my kids for ice cream and take pictures of me smiling.
I took them to the movies yesterday for Father's Day and the agitation mounted so intensely it was discouraging. 
I know this is the wrong attitude but it feels almost better NOT to try leaving the house much or doing much so I'm not reminded, like the dream, that I am not going anywhere anytime soon. 
1 Comment

90 days!!!!

6/3/2018

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90 days FREE of benzodiazepines.
90 days free of that tiny little pill that turned my life upside down.
90 days free from the chemical benzo  prison
90 days! 
I take 7 pills per day still. 
I'm duct taped together for now. No one sees it, but I feel it each step I take.

7 pills away from total chemical freedom
7 pills away from feeling my feelings again
7 pills away from being able to work
7 pills away from being able to parent again regularly and consistently
7 pills away from hiking up long mountain trails
7 pills away from sweating hard in a yoga class, feeling that relief and surrender in the end
7 pills away from these chemical hijakers
7 pills away from feeling love, joy again
7 pills away from feeling rest
7 pills away from sleeping soundly
7 pills away from relaxing gently 
7 pills away from no longer being so impulsive
7 pills away from regaining patience
​7 pills away from not acting like a monster sometimes
7 pills away from being responsible and capable again 

What will be left is the question.

For now, I am awake at 1 am. 
I've felt like I have had the stomach flu all day and the only thing that helps ( and I'm grateful I can do this) is walking alone listening to music.
My energy is so intense I need to keep walking and walking and walking.
I don't want to stop walking because when I do my reality comes crashing into me.

Grateful for my walks.
I'm grateful for new connections and friends
I'm grateful for my children, even if they don't know me the way I want them to.
Yes, this is hell each and every day. But just like if one would get locked up in prison, we must  adapt.

​Adapt and soldier on.

​

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    Author

    Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others.  This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.

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