I know there are some in wd that are so tired and bedridden they can barely move an inch or walk to the bathroom.
I haven't felt tired in YEARS. Or rather, let me clarify and say I've been wired but tired for the last several years since I entered pharma hell.
It's 1 am and I am doing some work late tonight. I get afraid to put my head down on my pillow because I start to really feel how brain damaged I am.
My head buzzes and burns and the other night I felt like I had been stung by a swarm of bees. I thought maybe it was something I had eaten, or even worse, I thought akathisia was going to become full blown. Previously, that had been my warning sign--being pin pricked to death by a swarm of bees or tiny little torturous needles from head to toe.
I had taken a magnesium foot bath before bed and I think my entire body reacted. As I tried to fall asleep it is as if a snake entered through the soles of my feet and wriggled up very quickly to the crown of my head. My entire body JERKED.
My torso. My arms. My legs. Flailing.
It left me terrified.
What the fuck have I done? Or rather, what the fuck has been done to me? Is there really no explanation for this? Why have I not been believed? How did I go from fully functional to barely able to leave the house? Why, if the answers are right in front of doctors and health care professionals noses are they not paying attention? How long is it going to take?
I got concerned I am not going to lie. I have been through this long enough that I try my very hardest not to go to the doctor's office and certainly not the ER or urgent care. The only thing I will get there is SICKER.
So, I just try to wait it out. I no longer live with my family so the nights can be especially lonely and difficult. The symptoms are so bizarre, I finally have to say to myself, fuck it. If I die in my sleep, so be it, I guess that is what is meant to be. Now, anyone who has ever known me can tell you I have been afraid of death my whole life. This is the one upside of withdrawal...... I've lost my lifelong fear of death. So there's that.....
I don't have much to report but as the season is changing so is my mood and my optimism. I hate the winter. HATE IT. I mean it's 80 degrees here but still.... it's windy, the nights are cold and I feel it coming....
A couple of things that I might entertain doing in the meantime is buying a light lamp and starting to drink cherry tart juice again at night. The juice used to make me drowsy...yes drug drowsy but still drowsy.
I'm 7.5 months off benzos.
I don't feel accomplished, I don't feel anything except white knuckling it through one more day and grateful AF that my akathisia is muted at the moment because of this toxic soup I'm ingesting every night. I feel horrified at the wreckage this has caused so many.
I have lots of articles to post but my brain can't even remember how to attach documents or save them on here.... so, this online journal will just have to do for now....
Thanks for reading xo
I haven't checked this site in the last month and I just read the comment below. Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. I believe you.
WE BELIEVE YOU.
It's still stuns me that no one believes this.
I don't know why, but it does.
Are there thousands of us online and at home that went from young (ok I'm not so young) and healthy and fit to bedridden writhing in pain?
Do we belong in a psych ward because we have a central nervous system injury?
Would they lock someone up who had MS or Parkison's? Then what the actual fuck is going on.
For those reading that want more support there is a Living with Akathisia fb group and also many benzo groups on fb not to mention benzo buddies. There is also a neurotoxicity group on fb and personally I think I am going through neurotoxicity issues more than wd issues. Yes, my issues stem from the benzo but I think the first injury was the antibiotic and the steroid (and strep throat too ).
There was another suicide in the neurotoxicity community this last week. I didn't know her but she recently posted before and after pics of herself. She was a beautiful young girl in the fitness industry destroyed by and adverse reaction to remeron and then subsequently poly drugged.
I'm having a rough time today.
I have needles and bee stings all over me.
Yesterday I had a hard time getting out of the house because I had such bac stomach issues. I was fatigued and nauseas. Of course. I'm trying to find the culprit.
Is it that winter is approaching? The chicken I ate?
The probiotic? The cranberry supplement? What the fuck is it.
Everything and anything. Literally.
Is it because I pushed beyond my limits last week and tried to "act normal".
Pushing through just doesn't work in this case.
I am doing all I can.
I'm trying to sell things on ebay for distraction and money. I'm working a tiny tiny bit. I'm walking. I'm with my kids. But I am struggling. I am very very ambivalent about coming off these last two meds (gabapentin and remeron) for fear of unleashing a storm so great it can't be tucked back in once unleashed. I'm 7 months off a benzo now and do I feel healing?
I don't know. I just don't know.
I wish I had a crystal ball. I also wish I could turn back time--four years ago I was vacationing in Hawaii and working full time. And with one pill that reality is gone. And the worst really is that no one believes me. Or not many. I heard through a friend that another friend and work colleague doubted my experience. At a certain point, I just don't give a shit.
I know full well what my CNS is doing. I have no real words for what this is but certainly an experience that is painful and real and hidden.
Keep fighting Warriors.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.