I know there are some in wd that are so tired and bedridden they can barely move an inch or walk to the bathroom.
I haven't felt tired in YEARS. Or rather, let me clarify and say I've been wired but tired for the last several years since I entered pharma hell.
It's 1 am and I am doing some work late tonight. I get afraid to put my head down on my pillow because I start to really feel how brain damaged I am.
My head buzzes and burns and the other night I felt like I had been stung by a swarm of bees. I thought maybe it was something I had eaten, or even worse, I thought akathisia was going to become full blown. Previously, that had been my warning sign--being pin pricked to death by a swarm of bees or tiny little torturous needles from head to toe.
I had taken a magnesium foot bath before bed and I think my entire body reacted. As I tried to fall asleep it is as if a snake entered through the soles of my feet and wriggled up very quickly to the crown of my head. My entire body JERKED.
My torso. My arms. My legs. Flailing.
It left me terrified.
What the fuck have I done? Or rather, what the fuck has been done to me? Is there really no explanation for this? Why have I not been believed? How did I go from fully functional to barely able to leave the house? Why, if the answers are right in front of doctors and health care professionals noses are they not paying attention? How long is it going to take?
I got concerned I am not going to lie. I have been through this long enough that I try my very hardest not to go to the doctor's office and certainly not the ER or urgent care. The only thing I will get there is SICKER.
So, I just try to wait it out. I no longer live with my family so the nights can be especially lonely and difficult. The symptoms are so bizarre, I finally have to say to myself, fuck it. If I die in my sleep, so be it, I guess that is what is meant to be. Now, anyone who has ever known me can tell you I have been afraid of death my whole life. This is the one upside of withdrawal...... I've lost my lifelong fear of death. So there's that.....
I don't have much to report but as the season is changing so is my mood and my optimism. I hate the winter. HATE IT. I mean it's 80 degrees here but still.... it's windy, the nights are cold and I feel it coming....
A couple of things that I might entertain doing in the meantime is buying a light lamp and starting to drink cherry tart juice again at night. The juice used to make me drowsy...yes drug drowsy but still drowsy.
I'm 7.5 months off benzos.
I don't feel accomplished, I don't feel anything except white knuckling it through one more day and grateful AF that my akathisia is muted at the moment because of this toxic soup I'm ingesting every night. I feel horrified at the wreckage this has caused so many.
I have lots of articles to post but my brain can't even remember how to attach documents or save them on here.... so, this online journal will just have to do for now....
Thanks for reading xo
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.