Yesterday was a window.
The previous day was a horror. Benzo rage is much like PMS. The truth is revealed and released but it sure ain't your mature self talking and processing. And the old saying "what goes up must come down" doesn't apply in benzo withdrawal. What goes up just keeps going up up up and you feel the ripple effect of your heated emotions for days even weeks after. At least I do.
My face looks like a broken out teenager.
My belly looks like I am 4 months pregnant.
I am not my "peak self". Nope. Not at all...
Let's talk about the "window" first. It was good. Not "normal" in any way shape or form but "good enough".  I felt a little hyped up and high, tackled a walk in the morning, cleaned my house and picked up my son for an early dinner and then browsed some shops in my area. Never for a moment do I forget that I am "different" right now (and praying not always) but there were moments of joy. I looked up at the sky and thought, fuck it, if this is my last day on earth I am going to just fucking enjoy it as much as possible.
Shopping used to be a real pleasurable pastime of mine. Well, to be honest it was more than a pastime... it was an art form!  I quickly walked to the stores late last night with a mission of returning my used 6 MAC lipsticks to get my free one in return. I love free shit. It makes me happy, and it did. Simple pleasures. 

How are you all doing?
I am faking it quite well.
I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, started to move away from reading scary stories ( I know they are all true, heartbreaking and real... I am one of them) and started walking....slowly.
I will be moving out of my home for 3 months to end my taper in a sublet I have found. I can't afford to do this but I felt I needed quiet, simplicity... I wanted to be by the beach and hopefully well enough to be out of my bed for the next 3 months. 
I have been spending time with others, just one on one in conversation, watching comedy, talking about other things besides benzos such as: books, movies, politics, relationships and reflecting on life and how beautiful but unfair it is. 
Dave Chappelle's comedy special is very funny. 
I need to stay out of my head as much as possible.
Someone once said these words to me " Your mind is like a bad neighborhood, don't go in there alone".
Try not to be alone with yourself and your thoughts. Ask friends to come over. Try to uber to their place if possible. Go on walks if you can. Watch funny television. Write in a journal. Sit in the sun and listen to the birds. This sounds pollyanna. I know. When I hit acute in November, all I could do was writhe in extreme pain and beg for mercy. Right now with the help (and harm) of other medications, I feel like crap but I am not in full blown horror everyday. My thoughts, and what I put my attention on matters. Kindling is real not only in the on/off again of the benzos but also exists when we talk, think, behave sick. Neuroplasticity is real. The dark side of neuroplasticity is pain, anxiety. We don't have much control in benzo withdrawal but we have some. Use the tools as much as you can. Believe you can and will heal.

I watched a fantastic documentary called The Fear Of Thirteen. It was a monologue, almost like a one man show about this man in prison on Death Row. It's gripping and a great distraction IF you can handle TV at the moment. Many cannot.  

As the seasons moved to summer, my mood brightened even just a tiny bit, and as we know each tiny bit counts. I attempted to watch something and this movie just surpassed my expectations. This man is inspirational. I thought of all of us warriors, fighting this silent, hidden battle. This man in a prison for over 20 years, set to die. He almost died, he was put in solitary confinement, and had everything taken away from him. Yet, he still managed to school himself, read books, fall in love, grow up and grow into the man he always dreamed he could be. He fought his way to freedom. He lived a prison life and that is exactly what many of us are living. Get up (if you can), eat, do what you can do to fight your way through the mental and physical pain and start over. I have started to  try to "act as if" these last couple of months. It hasn't been easy.  Many of my wisest friends are warning me--when it comes to health, you must be careful not to predict the outcome ( I am going to be screwed for years and years, I will never heal, I will never work again, I will never be able to parent again, there is something else wrong besides benzo withdrawal, on and on....). It is so hard. It is hard to walk around "looking normal" and feeling chemical terror, borderline akathisia and anxiety (that word doesn't do this justice). It's hard but we must do it.

I have stayed away from the internet groups too much just to protect my sanity. Reading the stories and talking with my friends is on one hand comforting and on the other hand heartbreaking. It all becomes too much.

​ I want to try to live in the world as much as humanely possible. I am not off yet and I know that is when the hardest part begins, that is when I will really be tested. I want to live out in the world before (and if) I am confined to a bed, or my room, or my house for months on end. I want to live in the world for my children, so they don't see a sick mother anymore. I want to try to live in the world so I don't forget that it still exists..... people move on, they get promotions, have babies, fall in love, fall out of love, break up, go on vacations, take their kids to the park, take their dogs for a walk, go on road trips and on and on... 
I want to live in the world for better or worse because today, right here and now is all that I have got.
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