Trying to live in the world

I watched a fantastic documentary called The Fear Of Thirteen. It was a monologue, almost like a one man show about this man in prison on Death Row. It's gripping and a great distraction IF you can handle TV at the moment. Many cannot.  

As the seasons moved to summer, my mood brightened even just a tiny bit, and as we know each tiny bit counts. I attempted to watch something and this movie just surpassed my expectations. This man is inspirational. I thought of all of us warriors, fighting this silent, hidden battle. This man in a prison for over 20 years, set to die. He almost died, he was put in solitary confinement, and had everything taken away from him. Yet, he still managed to school himself, read books, fall in love, grow up and grow into the man he always dreamed he could be. He fought his way to freedom. He lived a prison life and that is exactly what many of us are living. Get up (if you can), eat, do what you can do to fight your way through the mental and physical pain and start over. I have started to  try to "act as if" these last couple of months. It hasn't been easy.  Many of my wisest friends are warning me--when it comes to health, you must be careful not to predict the outcome ( I am going to be screwed for years and years, I will never heal, I will never work again, I will never be able to parent again, there is something else wrong besides benzo withdrawal, on and on....). It is so hard. It is hard to walk around "looking normal" and feeling chemical terror, borderline akathisia and anxiety (that word doesn't do this justice). It's hard but we must do it.

I have stayed away from the internet groups too much just to protect my sanity. Reading the stories and talking with my friends is on one hand comforting and on the other hand heartbreaking. It all becomes too much.

​ I want to try to live in the world as much as humanely possible. I am not off yet and I know that is when the hardest part begins, that is when I will really be tested. I want to live out in the world before (and if) I am confined to a bed, or my room, or my house for months on end. I want to live in the world for my children, so they don't see a sick mother anymore. I want to try to live in the world so I don't forget that it still exists..... people move on, they get promotions, have babies, fall in love, fall out of love, break up, go on vacations, take their kids to the park, take their dogs for a walk, go on road trips and on and on... 
I want to live in the world for better or worse because today, right here and now is all that I have got.
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