I had a wonderful dream last night. 
I prayed to god. I asked for a sign again in my dream before I went to sleep.
I asked if god, angels or whomever were with me right now. If this was in fact a path I am supposed to be on. Because I am just stunned I am here.
I prayed in my dream and when I said show me a sign I looked up at the sky and saw a shooting star. Fireworks came down into my back yard! I was pain free in my dream. I was ready to go bike riding. I looked good. Healthy. Like I did right after I had my first son.

I did some RESEARCH (ugh so tired of it) and it seems that it is my brain trying to RAISE dopamine. All the seeking, looking, and looking again.

Today I start my day writing (better than doing this at night ) and make a gratitude list:

healthy, happy children
On the path I am destined to be on
Roof over my head
Food in the fridge
Love in my life (even if I can't feel it right now at all)
a glimmer of hope
beauty in life
the new natural hair dye I bought for 8 dollars 
getting the energy to paint my nails
determination to get better no matter what
The will to live despite feeling very very tired in this fight
a gratitude practice starting TODAY. 
Getting off my phone and today I will try to stay off my computer as well
Comedy (although I haven't felt up to watching it, I know it's there)

​What are you grateful for today? Let's up our dopamine stores!

Apparently I can't stay off my electronics no matter HOW HARD I TRY.
You might say I am not trying hard enough, but my obsessions and compulsions are in full force. Believe me, even if I don't have results.. I AM TRYING. In my own backwards kind of way.
Amidst 10 hours of bad behavior (checking ,googling, researching, fretting, pacing, feeling like a victim, feeling like I am dying and am doomed) there are glimmers, and I mean little tiny specks of productive behavior (full blown surrender, loss of fear of death, acceptance of what is, neural retraining, walking, praying, laying down, hugging my children, writing, distracting). 
The many benzo folks who could stay in their room with no stimulation are a lucky few. Does it help to have a family? In some ways it does, in other ways it is a reminder of what I can not do. 
I continually feel the need to GO SOMEWHERE. DO SOMETHING about this.
Despite the fact that my phone was being blow dried and taken apart by my savy husband, it is still non functinal. Did that keep me off bad websites or facebook or digging and researching? Nope.
Not proud of it.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is well, nothing.
As I write this my son is screaming at me that he wants more whip cream.
So many people, friends and colleagues have asked me "How are your children? Who is taking care of them?" "Are you taking care of them?". 
Simply put, no, I am not taking care of them.
I try and come out of my room and give a smile to "look normal". I give them hugs. I let them know that I love them and that I want more than anything to be their mom right now and jump into the car and take them to the park. I want to take them on a hike. I want to go to the beach and rollerblade with them. I want to go to Disneyworld and other places that make them happy.
Places that I had no issues going to before. Places that I could run around until 11pm. I want to pick them up and go to school events. I want to have play dates.  I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS.
And a prescribed medication, prescribed irresponsibly and my vulnerable genetics have lead to this and so much more.
When I call doctors they just want to pile on more meds.
NO MORE PILLS.
I don't care what happens.
If this is just withdrawal then I need to find my way out of this. If it isn't, then I have to deal with that issue as well.
Any advice on what shifts that attitude of a challenging 5 year old??

Ear plugs please.

I like this guy.
I haven't followed any of his other video posts because I have been too busy researching the other things I KNOW I have wrong with me. Ugh. Torture chamber,
Good common sense. Hope. God, we need that. Assurance. He said he was a level 10 with suffering. He said keep things simple, get rid of your pets, be in quiet, not around many people.
Where do I put my children who are screaming and crying every second?
What do I do about the helicopter that jolts me awake at night? 
Every sound that I startle to?
Ear plugs baby.
I want to laugh again, I want to be healed. I want to be a mother. A wife. A worker. And no, I don't want to be disabled. Sorry. I hate that this is my path but it is.  Nothing else matters. Peace and quiet within your body and soul.

Adrenaline rushes and terror. Jolting in my sleep. Back pain. Terror again. Just so so much torture.

So I got my sneakers out because my adrenaline is non stop. I pushed myself out the door. It was dark but I didn't care. I spoke to Baylissa today. She told me to be careful on the search for other diagnosis and illnesses. I agree. There is something that happens in collective hysteria and then there is my gut. But I have no idea how to listen to my gut, it's muddled in chemicals. I used to have a good gut feeling. I can read people instantly. I am a "Highly Sensitive Person". I can pick up energy, I can almost pick up what people are going to do or say when I am in "the zone". Now, it's just chaos inside. No breaks. And deep relentless pain. According to my genetics my tendency for high pain sensitivity makes sense (Homozygous COMT).

When Baylissa shares the horror of what she went through and others she talked to who were so so sick--people who had to use catheters and enemas just to use their bowels, I know it can be this bad. BAD BAD.

But what if I had issues before? That's what I keep going back to. What if?  Something wasn't right the minute I touched a cipro 3 years ago. I had no idea what it can do to the CNS. I had NO idea it mimics benzo withdrawal and dysregulates GABA receptors.  Blah blah Blah. Endless circular regrets about the past, people I met and recommendations I got.

Anyway, I asked for a sign today. I prayed to god as I walked. Please please send me a sign. What should I do? Is this the end of me? What is wrong with me? This is just insane.

So, I came back from my walk and decided to run a bath for my kids. For the first time EVER  ever owning a phone it seemed to leap out of my jacket pocket and inside the tub. Only I didn't realize it was there for minutes. Many minutes.
​
I laughed.
First laugh in weeks, months.
Not that I needed another expense since I am jobless and so is my husband. Things are getting critical.
Message to self: Get off FB groups, Get off Google, Get off your goddamn phone.
Got it universe.
Thanks for another bill.

PS If I don't return your call, you know why.