Curious about kundalini
If you have experienced this, what did it feel like for you? How did it transform you? Did it overwhelm you? Did you experience this due to a loss or traumatic event or drug/alcohol addiction? Did someone transmit this energy to you? Interested in hearing stories of kundalini-both positive and negative.
My goal (so far I have failed in this goal because I get sidetracked every two minutes) is to apply myself to this program every day for an hour. So far, I have learned the STOP STOP STOP technique which isn't new to me. When you have a symptom thought, fear thought, powerfully stand up and say STOP STOP STOP. Visualize yourself on the road to health and happiness and forcefully direct your hands away from the powerful negative thought you are having. The next piece of this work is meditation. He gains some of this work from guru Sri Sri Ravi Shankar. I looked him up and he seemed to be a cheerful guru. I laughed when one person in the audience asked about their spouse who had a big ego and what to do about it. He said, just tell him how great he is for a month. Ha. I guess that's one way of dealing with a narcissistic personality. Probably the best way. Why fight it, just accept it or divorce the fucker.
Anyway, back to the amygdala retraining. The second piece of the work is a soften and flow meditation and a specific pranic breathing technique for 7 minutes. Accept whatever physical symptoms or anxious thought you are having. For me, currently it's this burning chest pain that literally kills. It feels like my heart and chest are shattered. Which they probably are given the other things happening in my life. So, I first accept this symptom, really really deeply accept it. I don't panic because of it, just observe it. Hmm look at you, you tight vice grip on my heart. No biggie. Then go into a deep meditation after 7 minutes of pranic breathing. This can be used for physical sensations, for anxious thoughts about whatever is generally making you anxious. Look, I realize those of you in acute withdrawal literally cannot even think straight or talk. But when you are on your taper it might be good to fortify yourself with these tools so when and IF acute meets you at the end you are somewhat prepared.
I took a hypno-birthing class, but when it came time to actually giving birth all that went out the WINDOW. But, this is worth trying. The only way to endure these symptoms is to deeply accept them Breathing from the belly, with one hand on the heart and one hand on your abdomen. Imagine saying Slow and Flow and Let Go on the out breath. I am going to work on it now. This program was designed for CFS which is according to Ashok is a brain injury in the limbic system. I really think he is onto something. Those of you who have tried getting off benzos before or are just having a rough go of it and traumatized about the fallout from this crazy process might have some PTSD. This program can be very useful in calming the stress response down I hope. I notice once my stress response is ON it takes about 5 days to calm down and some pain still remains.
Sending love and light to all those on this journey and any other journey that feels relentless and unending. It will end. It will pass. Let's hope for better days.
This process is so unpredictable. Today I am savoring a good day. Yesterday I was wincing in pain -all my nerves in my chest were on fire, the burning and pain/chemical anxiety was almost unbearable. God, so so painful. I just prayed and prayed for the day to end. And it did. It seems I have one good day, followed by a brutal day. Emotions play a major role in symptom flare ups and so do hormones, at least for me.
Drink Cherry Tart juice--it helps with sleep!!
On a bad day just breathe and tell yourself this too shall pass. It does.
Keep your eye on the target---being benzo free.
Distract with good conversation, and people who get it. It helps to feel gotten and understood during this process.
Curl up with a book when all else fails
Meditate meditate meditate
Pray Pray Pray
Just focus on the next thing in front of you
Try not to catastrophize but also plan ahead if you need to take time off, or complete some business
I am planning to take off work for some time to heal, I may need it, I may not.
What is the lesson here for you?
Stay connected to spirituality if that resonates with you.
Two doctors told me I was the .05 percent. One said I needed something to reset my neurotransmitters, the other told me to just go to detox because this taper business was not working. I am a part of the fucked up bunch that has a crazy reaction to a small amount of this poison. One looked at me and said, "this is not your fault, you need to know that". Ok, maybe so, but it's definitely a shit show. I listened to stupid advice and was desperate for sleep. I took a poison with an already fragile nervous system. I cold turkeyed and fast tapered. Here I am. No sense in reliving it but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Harder than 8 years of pain...
Harder than childbirth...
And yet today I am having a good day. So grateful. I will never take for granted another 'good day'. A day that feels somewhat peaceful. I spent time with my kids and did my nails. I read. I worked. I am doing the Ashok Gupta retraining program later tonight.
Doubt, Craving and Desire
Are you plagued with doubt? Doubt about this process? Doubt about your decisions? Doubt about your relationships, your job, yourself? I will write more about craving and desire... my favorites.
Breathe and look at this!
Today I went to a Buddhist inspired meeting and we meditated on equanimity
Before we got started I asked , " what exactly does equanimity mean?" for the umpteenth time. Somehow I remember then forget the definition over and over and over again.
This word couldn't be more fitting for those that find themselves in benzo w/d or any challenging situation for that matter, be it divorce, loss, illness, financial stress, mental or spiritual issues..
During my meditation I was almost writhing in pain/burning in my chest.. Severe burning through my throat and chest-a feeling that I was lit on fire, my nerves raw and exposed. All of my historical issues came up as people shared their stories of pain, heavy heartedness and inspiration. Didn't I work through this shit already? Aren't I done with it? I know this benzo situation is magnifying even the smallest injury or wounding or feeling. Everything is out of proportion. Even though my logical mind can say, big fucking deal to the feeling, my body just goes ballistic on fire. It's quite an experience to witness. I kept breathing, rocking back and forth trying to settle into a rhythm to make the pain go away. Questions popped up--should I go to detox? This tapering bullshit isn't working. Maybe I should just surrender now and go get help. Am I creating this sensation from my stressful thoughts (yes!), Will this ever end? No, this is going to burn and torture me forever and ever and ever isn't it? Can't people see the pain I am in? On and on, my monkey mind chattered away. Until a moment where I just sat with the burning, just let it be there. Here it is. Here you are. I am not going to try to fix, change or control you. I can't say I am happy to meet you you fucking burning bastard but ok, here you are and here I am and I can just witness it. I just want to move past this dark night and this phase in my life. but who knows how and when it will be lifted. I have to keep showing up and doing my part and let go of the results.
My mentor spoke and said what he wanted was peace when he was confronted with death. That is what I have always wanted. A sense of peace no matter what life brings you, no matter what it brings.. I tried to keep calm and carry on. Guess what? I got home and the burning lifted. Everything is temporary. Everything passes. I don't know why or how but something shifted and lifted even the smallest bit and I was grateful.
How fast a mood turns in benzo w/d
I was feeling very positive last night. Meditated. Got into a groove. But I have been up since 3am. That is never a good thing. I wonder how much more wear and tear my body can take. Woke up to a call from Apple saying that I had purchased a Mac Pro. Umm..no... then logged on to my bank where 4 thousand dollars had been charged--someone who felt the need to apply for friend finder and match.com at least 4 times. MOFO. So they bought themselves a computer, charged up a storm on match.com and then transferred over 2 grand into their account. See it's times like these I get to practice my spirituality. When my spirit feels like it's just about to break from sleeplessness, financial fears, and I want to explode. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. That insight came after hysterics. Hey, I am human.
Enjoy the sounds of the shamanic drumming as you go to sleep......
Today is a good day.. I should say, right now is a good moment.
This morning I had that all too familiar chest pain panic fire feeling I get from benzo w/d. I cried with a friend. It lifted a bit. I felt almost almost normal... just a glimpse of me again.
I connected with a fellow traveler who assured me I wasn't insane. It's good to release all that is inside and share with another. When things are rough I say, "right now, it's like this"... and when things are neutral or calm I say "right now, it's like this.." Trying not to attach to either the 'good' or the 'bad' days or label them.
Support this movie!
This looks fascinating. Support this movie. This is a time of transformation,
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.