Adrenaline rushes and terror. Jolting in my sleep. Back pain. Terror again. Just so so much torture.
So I got my sneakers out because my adrenaline is non stop. I pushed myself out the door. It was dark but I didn't care. I spoke to Baylissa today. She told me to be careful on the search for other diagnosis and illnesses. I agree. There is something that happens in collective hysteria and then there is my gut. But I have no idea how to listen to my gut, it's muddled in chemicals. I used to have a good gut feeling. I can read people instantly. I am a "Highly Sensitive Person". I can pick up energy, I can almost pick up what people are going to do or say when I am in "the zone". Now, it's just chaos inside. No breaks. And deep relentless pain. According to my genetics my tendency for high pain sensitivity makes sense (Homozygous COMT).
When Baylissa shares the horror of what she went through and others she talked to who were so so sick--people who had to use catheters and enemas just to use their bowels, I know it can be this bad. BAD BAD.
But what if I had issues before? That's what I keep going back to. What if? Something wasn't right the minute I touched a cipro 3 years ago. I had no idea what it can do to the CNS. I had NO idea it mimics benzo withdrawal and dysregulates GABA receptors. Blah blah Blah. Endless circular regrets about the past, people I met and recommendations I got.
Anyway, I asked for a sign today. I prayed to god as I walked. Please please send me a sign. What should I do? Is this the end of me? What is wrong with me? This is just insane.
So, I came back from my walk and decided to run a bath for my kids. For the first time EVER ever owning a phone it seemed to leap out of my jacket pocket and inside the tub. Only I didn't realize it was there for minutes. Many minutes.
First laugh in weeks, months.
Not that I needed another expense since I am jobless and so is my husband. Things are getting critical.
Message to self: Get off FB groups, Get off Google, Get off your goddamn phone.
Got it universe.
Thanks for another bill.
PS If I don't return your call, you know why.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.