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I asked for a sign, and what did I get?

3/4/2017

2 Comments

 
Adrenaline rushes and terror. Jolting in my sleep. Back pain. Terror again. Just so so much torture.

So I got my sneakers out because my adrenaline is non stop. I pushed myself out the door. It was dark but I didn't care. I spoke to Baylissa today. She told me to be careful on the search for other diagnosis and illnesses. I agree. There is something that happens in collective hysteria and then there is my gut. But I have no idea how to listen to my gut, it's muddled in chemicals. I used to have a good gut feeling. I can read people instantly. I am a "Highly Sensitive Person". I can pick up energy, I can almost pick up what people are going to do or say when I am in "the zone". Now, it's just chaos inside. No breaks. And deep relentless pain. According to my genetics my tendency for high pain sensitivity makes sense (Homozygous COMT).

When Baylissa shares the horror of what she went through and others she talked to who were so so sick--people who had to use catheters and enemas just to use their bowels, I know it can be this bad. BAD BAD.

But what if I had issues before? That's what I keep going back to. What if?  Something wasn't right the minute I touched a cipro 3 years ago. I had no idea what it can do to the CNS. I had NO idea it mimics benzo withdrawal and dysregulates GABA receptors.  Blah blah Blah. Endless circular regrets about the past, people I met and recommendations I got.

Anyway, I asked for a sign today. I prayed to god as I walked. Please please send me a sign. What should I do? Is this the end of me? What is wrong with me? This is just insane.

So, I came back from my walk and decided to run a bath for my kids. For the first time EVER  ever owning a phone it seemed to leap out of my jacket pocket and inside the tub. Only I didn't realize it was there for minutes. Many minutes.
​
I laughed.
First laugh in weeks, months.
Not that I needed another expense since I am jobless and so is my husband. Things are getting critical.
Message to self: Get off FB groups, Get off Google, Get off your goddamn phone.
Got it universe.
Thanks for another bill.

PS If I don't return your call, you know why. 


2 Comments
Becky
3/5/2017 11:28:42 am

I love your blog
I am a 47 yo wife, mom, grandmother and Nurse practitioner.
I am also an accidental addict.
I was prescribed 0.5 mg of klonipin a day for 15 years!
Even being in the profession I am in, I was told over and over by my doctors that klonipin, at such a low dose, will be easy to stop. No worries (I even have my chart where it was documented I was worried)
I hit a tolerance in 2015 and I've lost my life as I knew it since. I was rapid tapered at a detox and my last dose of klonipin was February 3, 2016. I, too, was put on 3 other meds to get off klonipin (and now can't get off those).
Since stopping klonipin, I have been to the ER x 4 (adrenaline, dehydration), inpatient at Duke to rule out Addison's disease, inpatient psych x 2 (suicidal). I am no longer working. My husband cannot because he is doable. We are on the verge of losing our home. My symptoms get so much worse with stress. So this drug has destroyed my life. At least for now.
I'm in my 13th month off. I believe I'm still suffering cause I took it for so long. I keep going forward because I believe the Lord has a purpose for this. A purpose that will help others in the future. I hold onto this day in and day out. Only the Lord knows when it's time for me to do his purpose.

Reply
DS
3/5/2017 04:24:00 pm

Thanks so much for writing and sharing.
I know this is a tragedy beyond words
I hope when we all make it to the other side we can make a difference to stop this from happening to others. It is truly unbelievable
What other meds are you on? I was also tested for Addison's bc of the high adrenaline and adrenal pain-- this for me came after a steroid injection I reacted badly to (then came benzo) What did they do for you at the ER?
I also pray to God and pray there is an answer and meaning in all of this. Thanks for reading

Reply



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    Author

    Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others.  This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.

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