Wow, wow, wow. What a viewing. Some amazing quotes from Tony Robbins--"Destiny is who you'll become and what you are going to give in this life". "A trip is boring, a journey is an adventure". Is there any way we can look at this experience as an adventure? Where the fuck is it going to take me? you? We have to do our part and wait for grace to see the rest...
What an amazing man and documentary. You can really feel his humanness, his own suffering that has been transformed for the greater good of others. I love his ability to connect with others and call them out on their bullshit. The biggest spiritual lessons there are are not sitting in a cave meditating quietly on our own but being in relationships with other humans or facing our problems whatever they may be. That is where the growth happens. His mother was on tons of prescriptions including valium. She beat the shit out of him and he has become who he is because of that early experience. He is a real master communicator and inspirational guy. I was clapping and saying "YES" at many different moments during this movie. We can look at this benzo experience or any suffering right now as an opportunity for the breakthrough. That breakthrough happens slowly, then there comes a moment where you say, enough is enough. For me, I am done with suffering. Someone once said to me, "Bad news will find you" but I have to admit I have been spending the last couple of years LOOKING FOR IT through my worry and obsessions. Tony Robbins also said something interesting... where there is rejection there is obsession. He asked people to think of their earliest memory and then get right before that memory to heal it..... more on that soon.
I went to the doctor the other day. It was a checkup to check my electrolytes and thyroid blood work to see if that's interfering with things right now. I have been studying Joe Dispenza's book and have been getting into the "Alpha" state during meditations for the last 3 days. It's been quite an experience. I feel completely high after sitting for over an hour with no chatter. Something has shifted and I can feel the kundalini moving through my body and am able to tap into a deeper calm. The doctor looked at me funny and said, "You are eerily calm. I don't like it. You seem disassociated-- And you are wasting away".
"I don't like what I am seeing", he said.. I like this guy. He likes me. He said," I am learning a lot from you unfortunately and it's painful to watch because I like you." I asked him what he would do if I was his daughter and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I would send you to rehab and I would pay for it". I started to cry. He read me right because yes I did feel calm but also severe DP/DR or maybe it was meditation bliss? Reframe anyone?. It's a very strange way to feel, kind of like walking around weightless and groundless. Again, I can look, act, seem normal but I am straddling two worlds. This guy is a GP and doesn't know much about the benzo world. He said I had too much insight, too much knowledge, like a doctor who gets sick and knows intricately what is happening in their brain and body but it is still happening.. Being the observer and the experiencer all at once. This is what Jill Bolte Taylor who wrote Stroke of Insight experienced when she had a stroke as a neuroanatomist. It was a moment of Ah ha-- whoaaaa.... how cool this is my brain having a stroke and understanding exactly what was happening but also being the patient in the experience as wel (I am not sure how cool it felt but maybe more like interesting). I am due back to see him in two weeks, I am starting to get worried about my lack of appetite and weight as well. I am literally shoving food in my body but I can barely do it, the appetite is just not there. I worry that 4-5 more months more of this and things will decline further. But I have to stay in the now. Things might get better not worse. If it stops working, I will make whatever change necessary.
This book is a fantastic resource for anyone in spiritual emergency. Before finding and reading this book, I would have thought I was going mad. Yes, there is a chemical component at play here. But there is also some thing deeper. They include a spiritual poem from Lalleshwari:Spiritual Poems by a Great Siddha Yogini:
When your impurities are burned
you will become more lustrous
than a mirror in the sun,
more pure than
the most perfect of pearls....
This seems to capture the essence of spiritual emergency and benzo withdrawal. I find it interested that the symptoms of spiritual emergency also parallel that of a benzo withdrawal. The kundalini awakening, visions, shaking, tremors, fear, the feeling of straddling two worlds at the same time.
Not everyone sees the process of withdrawal in this spiritual way. For me, I feel drawn to seeing things from this perspective, trusting that the burning, the suffering and depths of this experience will resolve and ultimately heal you in a way that 20 years of therapy could not.
We know that shaking is the way the nervous system comes back into balance and healing. I know many people are scared by the shaking, but trusting and allowing it and knowing that it means the nervous system is healing.
This book talks about something important which is straddling two worlds. Many people cannot quit their jobs and just delve into their unconscious material full force. There are mouths to feed, places to go, dinners to attend etc. Now, some of us are too sick to do any of that. I have been too. Lately, I have intuitively been scaling back on all levels to make room and space for the two worlds to co-exist, even though maybe the time would be shortened if I gave myself permission to fully surrender and let go of everything.
Yesterday was an up and down day. Spending time with friends=good, Going to a mall =BAD. I noticed myself becoming very agitated and felt removed from the crowds of people. Like-what are they rushing around for? what are they buying? Can I return to the busy, frenetic normal life? I can reach for it but I can't touch it. It's like wearing a plastic covering over your body where you feel detached, unable to connect and understand how life is just moving along. I guess in Benzo terms it would be called DP/DR, I won't try to label it.
Today I did nothing. I ruminated to be fair. Obsessive looping happening. I forced myself to read and meditate and am keeping it simple.
One day people will understand the idea of spiritual emergency on a deeper level and be able to support and guide people through times like these without the use of labels, medications, and misunderstandings. The human being naturally wants to access perinatal, biological and transpersonal /non ordinary states of consciousness in an effort to connect with oneness and the divine, to heal and live in the light and out of suffering.
Check out this article.... Less self focus more other focused is the key!
"When the brain focuses less on the self (by decreased activity in the right lobe) it is by definition a moment of self- transcendence and can be understood as being connected to God or Nirvana. It is the sensation of feeling like you are part of a bigger thing"
Prof. Johnstone (Huffington Post)
Today I went to a workshop on medical intuition secretly hoping the man would see what was wrong and tell me how to fix me. That isn't what happened of course. I still unconsciously want to be fixed, healed, rescued. I want someone to wave a magic wand and make this pain go away...like NOW.
It was a really informative class about health, healing and wellness and the causes of illness. Everything he said is about resolving resistance. Healing, he said, is about balance and freeing the energy of the unconscious. This was someone who had worked in psycho-oncology and studied what he found to be 3 groups of people. There were the people with cancer that ate right, shifted their energy in the right manner and survived, others that ate right, but didn't do so well, and the 3rd group were the group that didn't buy into any of the mind./body work or nutrition and didn't fare well at all. So why did group 1 and 2 respond so differently to making similar lifestyle changes. What was different about them?
He said it had what he calls, something to do with the 'psychic juice' for healing that the one group lacked. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't free the energy from their unconscious and didn't do as well. What are your unconscious hindrances? I know I have many in this regard. A familiarity with sickness, illness, suffering and problems, This is just another manifestation of that in my life. I am speaking for myself not for anyone else's experience. To me this is an opportunity to let that unconscious fear based living go for good--once and for all.
Tapping into the NOW, the one consciousness, the "God spot" in the right parietal lobe can be the key to healing (although now scientists have discovered that spot includes many other parts of the brain).
I asked him about my kundalini awakening that was full of white blazing light, imagery, sounds, and had an other worldly feeling to it. He said to go back to that experience, to use that as some who use near death experiences to carry them through other challenges in life. Once you have an other worldly experience like that it's hard to go back to ordinary consciousness and believe that life just exists on this 3D plane. Who knows?
I will attach an interesting article from The Huffington Post about this issue....
Happy Healing everyone.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.