Dopamine Deficient

Prison life is getting to me.
I mean that seriously. The prison is my mind and body. No one can see it. No one can sense it. But it's a prison, don't be fooled. 
Distractions have helped.  When I say helped I mean I'm breaking the day into small mundane tasks. 
Pay bills
Listen to music for an hour
Take a shower
Walk
Kids
Clean
Clean some more
Stay home.. no go out, no, stay home. Can't I just stay home forever? 
I'm bored out of my mind.
I've started watching documentaries on Netflix. Watching stories of horror make me feel less alone. I don't want to see happy people right now. I want to see human suffering, meaning made of these moments of darkness.
I watched a great one called One of Us about Orthodox Jews trying to leave the community. It was about faith, rejection, addiction, love, bravery and extremism.
I watched Wild Wild Country which was equally great. 
Now what?
I had a very vivid dream. I was in my childhood home, my cat was there and there were many people getting ready for school or work. Taking showers, blow drying hair, picking out outfits. I was part of it. Just as everyone was leaving for their day I realized I couldn't leave like everyone else. I was not going to school or work. I wasn't going anywhere. I couldn't go. Everyone left without me and I was left stuck. 
Feeling so so stuck.
Stuck in prison life.
I'm trying to make the best of it. 
I take my kids for ice cream and take pictures of me smiling.
I took them to the movies yesterday for Father's Day and the agitation mounted so intensely it was discouraging. 
I know this is the wrong attitude but it feels almost better NOT to try leaving the house much or doing much so I'm not reminded, like the dream, that I am not going anywhere anytime soon.