Prison life is getting to me.
I mean that seriously. The prison is my mind and body. No one can see it. No one can sense it. But it's a prison, don't be fooled.
Distractions have helped. When I say helped I mean I'm breaking the day into small mundane tasks.
Listen to music for an hour
Take a shower
Clean some more
Stay home.. no go out, no, stay home. Can't I just stay home forever?
I'm bored out of my mind.
I've started watching documentaries on Netflix. Watching stories of horror make me feel less alone. I don't want to see happy people right now. I want to see human suffering, meaning made of these moments of darkness.
I watched a great one called One of Us about Orthodox Jews trying to leave the community. It was about faith, rejection, addiction, love, bravery and extremism.
I watched Wild Wild Country which was equally great.
I had a very vivid dream. I was in my childhood home, my cat was there and there were many people getting ready for school or work. Taking showers, blow drying hair, picking out outfits. I was part of it. Just as everyone was leaving for their day I realized I couldn't leave like everyone else. I was not going to school or work. I wasn't going anywhere. I couldn't go. Everyone left without me and I was left stuck.
Feeling so so stuck.
Stuck in prison life.
I'm trying to make the best of it.
I take my kids for ice cream and take pictures of me smiling.
I took them to the movies yesterday for Father's Day and the agitation mounted so intensely it was discouraging.
I know this is the wrong attitude but it feels almost better NOT to try leaving the house much or doing much so I'm not reminded, like the dream, that I am not going anywhere anytime soon.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.