90 days!!!!

90 days FREE of benzodiazepines.
90 days free of that tiny little pill that turned my life upside down.
90 days free from the chemical benzo  prison
90 days! 
I take 7 pills per day still. 
I'm duct taped together for now. No one sees it, but I feel it each step I take.

7 pills away from total chemical freedom
7 pills away from feeling my feelings again
7 pills away from being able to work
7 pills away from being able to parent again regularly and consistently
7 pills away from hiking up long mountain trails
7 pills away from sweating hard in a yoga class, feeling that relief and surrender in the end
7 pills away from these chemical hijakers
7 pills away from feeling love, joy again
7 pills away from feeling rest
7 pills away from sleeping soundly
7 pills away from relaxing gently 
7 pills away from no longer being so impulsive
7 pills away from regaining patience
​7 pills away from not acting like a monster sometimes
7 pills away from being responsible and capable again 

What will be left is the question.

For now, I am awake at 1 am. 
I've felt like I have had the stomach flu all day and the only thing that helps ( and I'm grateful I can do this) is walking alone listening to music.
My energy is so intense I need to keep walking and walking and walking.
I don't want to stop walking because when I do my reality comes crashing into me.

Grateful for my walks.
I'm grateful for new connections and friends
I'm grateful for my children, even if they don't know me the way I want them to.
Yes, this is hell each and every day. But just like if one would get locked up in prison, we must  adapt.

​Adapt and soldier on.

​