Trucking downward....

Two good days followed by being somewhat slammed today. When I say good days these are not my 'normal' pre benzo days. I am barely working. I have to limit the friends I see or talk to. I have to limit anything overly emotional, including dealing with children's tantrums at times. Normal in benzo withdrawal means being hyper aware of self care. Today I had a splitting headache, but it's hard to know--is it withdrawal? Is it a sign to slow the taper down? It's eased up this evening.

My partner and I are getting along better. In some ways this adds to my confusion. It's all part of it--symptoms for me are absolutely connected to my stress related thoughts. Much of this is physiological (burning, burning, chest pain,panic type of feeling, akathesia) but this requires an extreme amount of patience and slowing down to take things very very easily and carefully. Every word. Every action. Every thought. Every feeling. All must be considered carefully before engaging with my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

I have been meditating steadily for 1/2 hour to about an hour. Each night when everyone is asleep, I begin my meditation. No apps, no timers, just me and the couch, and my breath. I am able to get into a deepened state of relaxation after the monkey mind quiets down.
I highly recommend following Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza.

I talked the other day with the director of As Prescribed. What a lovely woman, with so much compassion and insight and of course experience of her own. The movie may be coming out in the next year or so, and I hope by then my CNS is healed up. It was encouraging to hear that she did not deal with acute withdrawal. I wish I hadn't been so darn stubborn with my cold turkey and my fast taper because I feel my nerves already highly sensitized. But we will see what it brings. I have to believe whatever I am forced to go through it meant to be.... It will almost be time to put on my seat belt and brace for landing. I am under 2mg and so it is almost time to surrender. (4-6 mos away) The time is now.