Hard day today and I just need to vent. I have been struggling for over a year. I haven't known peace inside, I haven't known or recognized my body or mind in over a year. Moments, glimpses of me, but not me. It's scary. It's lasting so long. I don't know that I made the right call by 'reinstating'...who did I listen to? The internet? The doctors? Doctors have so many opinions. What I felt was so unbearable I can only imagine if I had not reinstated I would have been hospitalized. So I am at the lower numbers right now. The sounds of my children crying, the needs of others, the news, the lack of understanding from people because I 'look fine' it's weighing on me. I don't look fine. I don't feel fine. I met a new friend and shared what was happening. Initially when we met she asked me if I was anorexic. The horror. She said, I look a bit 'off' but that she can see the potential within. I see photos of myself from 4 years ago,,, before my remission abated and before this madness. It's been a slow decline. The universe is getting me to wake the fuck up.; I am ready to wake the fuck up and heal and move on but my body won't cooperate. I suspect I am just getting ready for the flood. I suppose I have to walk through a dark tunnel to my ultimate healing. A friend called today and I lied about how I was doing. She wasn't a close friend and I can't tell this stupid story over and over again. I spent time with my kids, one on one and it was hard. I hate that spending time with them is hard. But the inner restlessness, the agitation today is something else. I am going on a long long walk.
I am trying to shove food in my mouth every chance I get, fortify myself before the land. 5 more months to go, maybe six. Cannot do more. Cannot do it. Then 6-18 months to heal. Will I be the lucky one? Will I escape acute? Who will pay the bills? Who will take the children to school? My partner hasn't been working lately. I am trying not to worry but I also cannot surrender, but I must surrender and know that I will be taken care of. How will I make the necessary changes in my life that I would like to make RIGHT NOW. Spirit, whoever, guide me through this because I am done fighting. I am so tired of this struggle, this suffering is crazy. I know my thoughts cause half of it and the drug causes the other half. Goddamn GABA, grow the fuck back already my brain needs you.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.