Good days and not so good days

Hard day today and I just need to vent. I have been struggling for over a year. I haven't known peace inside, I haven't known or recognized my body or mind in over a year. Moments, glimpses of me, but not me. It's scary. It's lasting so long. I don't know that I made the right call by 'reinstating'...who did I listen to? The internet? The doctors? Doctors have so many opinions. What I felt was so unbearable I can only imagine if I had not reinstated I would have been hospitalized. So I am at the lower numbers right now. The sounds of my children crying, the needs of others, the news, the lack of understanding from people because I 'look fine' it's weighing on me. I don't look fine. I don't feel fine. I met a new friend and shared what was happening. Initially when we met she asked me if I was anorexic. The horror. She said, I look a bit 'off' but that she can see the potential within. I see photos of myself from 4 years ago,,, before my remission abated and before this madness. It's been a slow decline. The universe is getting me to wake the fuck up.; I am ready to wake the fuck up and heal and move on but my body won't cooperate. I suspect I am just getting ready for the flood. I suppose I have to walk through a dark tunnel to my ultimate healing. A friend called today and I lied about how I was doing. She wasn't a close friend and I can't tell this stupid story over and over again. I spent time with my kids, one on one and it was hard. I hate that spending time with them is hard. But the inner restlessness, the agitation today is something else. I am going on a long long walk.
I am trying to shove food in my mouth every chance I get, fortify myself before the land. 5 more months to go, maybe six. Cannot do more. Cannot do it. Then 6-18 months to heal. Will I be the lucky one? Will I escape acute? Who will pay the bills? Who will take the children to school? My partner hasn't been working lately. I am trying not to worry but I also cannot surrender, but I must surrender and know that I will be taken care of. How will I make the necessary changes in my life that I would like to make RIGHT NOW. Spirit, whoever, guide me through this because I am done fighting. I am so tired of this struggle, this suffering is crazy. I know my thoughts cause half of it and the drug causes the other half. Goddamn GABA, grow the fuck back already my brain needs you. 
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