Fighting through today. I look and act normal. I go to the store. I make lunch for my children. I drive, carry groceries. Feelings and sensations are arising. Agitation. I am sleeping thank god. I am doing this. I am getting off this poison even though I burn burn burn. Ignore the symptoms. Ignore. I went to check out a kundalini teacher and asked her for some sage advice. She said walk a lot, soak your feet in hot water. I am walking and walking and walking endlessly. I have so much energy to burn and no energy at all. I feel depleted. But I am fighting. I am having a bit of a pity party today but trying to pull myself out of it. I have a little of the WHY me? I have a need to write the doctor who prescribed this yet another letter. I don't know that I will as it's not worth it. I just want to make sure this never happens to anyone again, yet I know it's happening everywhere and much worse. The kundalini teacher had us recite a protective prayer--- Aad Gurey Nameh- left infinite Jugaad Gurey Nameh-behind time guru Sat Gurey Nameh-Right-Truth Siri Guru Dev-ey Nameh Before-Infinite Guru We had to do this as we raised our hands in prayer above our head over and over again. She said don't do it for more than 11 minutes. I am all over the place in my interests and am looking for answers and relief. I know they are within me and nowhere out there but I feel the need to keep searching. Ahhhh!!! Benzo warriors keep up the fight. How can you think/feel and act and create circumstances in your mind as if they have already happened in your life, This is what Joe Dispenza's work is about and it's the basis of Annie Hopper's Dynamic Neural Retraining System and how she healed herself from crazy symptoms due to multiple chemical sensitivities. Nerve cells that fire together wire together so in this benzo madness or any pain or suffering you are in currently ( maybe your husband cheated on you and left you, maybe you have chronic pain, maybe you can't stop yelling at your kids), the more we dwell and the more we condition our minds to suffer and to believe it will always be this way, this is our unlucky fate, the more that will become our reality on and on and on. Evaluate your thoughts and feelings and what emotions you are addicted to. We can turn the stress response on with just a thought and therefore, I agree with Joe Dispenza that we can turn the stress response off with a thought/feeling/being that is very different from our conditioned ways. I have a LONG way to go on this but it's helpful to listen to his work over and over again. I think many cases of protracted withdrawal have something to do with limbic system injury and can be helped or corrected through this work and amygdala work. Things I am working on manifesting: Freedom from pain and suffering and good health. gliding off medications with little to no suffering accepting discomfort without freaking out when it happens Passionate and spiritual connections in my life Acceptance of what is Freedom from financial fear and the ability to travel, take time off from work, enjoy life more fully. Financial freedom Meaningful and mystical spiritual experiences Unclutching from my attachments-business,home, career, other external identifications etc. The first thing he instructs you to do is to really investigate what it is you are thinking and feeling all day long. Are you on forums that scare you and are you reliving your traumatic past by sharing war stories all day? What are you listening to and what are you surrounded by each day? Are you addicted to feeling anger and fear. I can say that I have been addicted to fear, anger, longing and yearning my whole life. Once you can identify your blocks you can release them to the quantum field according to Dispenza. I am willing to give it a shot! what the hell? Benzo terror go to hell....Let go of something unproductive today. Are you in a job you hate? A relationship that isn't fulfilling? Are you looking for more purpose and meaning in your life? Have you gotten off your spiritual path? Do you want to change the way you parent? Are you ready to challenge your greatest fears and perceived obstacles? I know many of us are not able to do much right now, while some are able to be more active. Regardless, tell yourself the truth everyday. Whatever it is say it to yourself or out loud when no one is listening. Or tell another trusted person. Releasing what it is you are repressing doesn't mean you have to take action now. Just acknowledge it to yourself and if you can to another.
Lovely and amazing day. Had my first entry into shaman work today. I had a session with a shaman that was quiet, subtle but powerful and grounding. It started with me standing up and the shaman who circled me drumming and drumming. I felt calm and open, not really expecting much. Then we proceeded to the table work. She is also trained in cranial sacral work and other forms of body work. I set the intention that I wanted to get clarity and get grounded. The kundalini experience from a couple of weeks back still has left a fire in my chest and a lot of unanswered questions. Kind of a yearning for more of it but also a recognition that now might not be the time to explore that kind of energy in the midst of a benzo withdrawal. Once on the table I had some images and visions from my childhood ---first came a monkey jumping around and around and then a vision of me as a child ( I was called Monkey as a term of endearment). Then came some not so great images, and a release with tears. Once that settled I just kept my breath going and she did some whisper blowing thing around my chakras. Apparently quite a few of them are blocked --1-2-3-4-5 ha! I felt some shivering as she did this and that familiar light coursing through my arms over and over again and throughout my body. I felt a powerful circular energy going around and around and around. No clue what any of this means. but it felt like the beginning.... it was healing and I felt very very relaxed. I had some more images--a purple bracelet, trees, animals, who knows. Then she rang some little chime type of bells that felt like little fairies cleansing and completing the work. She told me they said no soul retrieval today but there is some work ahead.... Slower the better... When the session was over I had a can-do attitude regarding this stupid taper. I was like, hell yeah, I can do this. Screw all the negative stories and fear. I got this..... I felt a bit of a re-set in my thinking and feeling. I had a lovely afternoon with my son and am feeling pretty good today. Also--drink that cherry tart juice! Wow! It really helps with sleep.... So overall, it was quite lovely and amazing... I just listened to Soul Journeys-Music for Shamanic Practice by Sandra Ingerman. I sat in a meditative pose and listened to her words--see what core limiting belief you want to let go of and call in your spirit guides or helpers/healers to be with you. I didn't know what would happen. I didn't think anything would happen. It's hard to stop the chatter in my head and the first 15 minutes or so I was definitely not accessing anything but mental obsession and looping. As I continued I felt surges going down my arms, pulsating energy. I know people in benzo w/d feel like they've been hooked up to an electrical socket but I actually enjoy these surges. It feels like I can move energy from a point of tension (mainly i feel it in my chest or pelvic area) through my arms over and over again, it feels empowering. I felt the need to move and sway, circling my head and then getting up to do some weird rhythmic dance with the drumming and rattling going on and on. My kids were out of the house and so was anyone who could see me doing some new age beserk dance. It felt freeing. The burning in my chest relieved a bit. I just let my body move the way it wanted to in the middle of my living room. My dog seemed unfazed.
Core limiting beliefs I am releasing: -Fear of giving and receiving love -Fear of death -Anger at the way things are -The universe won't support me -Opening my heart, opening despite disappointment or potential hurt Basically loving deeply and fully and trusting life no matter what. Then something happened. I thought I had released enough and was in the kitchen preparing breakfast. I just broke down crying and crying as I saw my little boy's faces in my mind.. When I talked to my son yesterday and told him I was so sorry that I couldn't be more present with him, that I just needed more rest until I could get off this medicine, he said, " What's the name of the doctor that did this". He's 6. It was a funny and sad moment. I need to get back to being a mother again fully. I shed a lot of tears and just kept crying and crying over my breakfast saying I am sorry to my babies to myself. I feel so determined and it was a bit cathartic. I didn't even know I could cry so hard before this medication. Let this be a time where you really dig deep and release old ways of thinking and doing things. This isn't just about the medication for me. It's about changing and reconfiguring my life completely from the inside out rather than the outside in. |
AuthorSomeone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY. Archives
November 2018
Categories
All
|