I just listened to Soul Journeys-Music for Shamanic Practice by Sandra Ingerman. I sat in a meditative pose and listened to her words--see what core limiting belief you want to let go of and call in your spirit guides or helpers/healers to be with you. I didn't know what would happen. I didn't think anything would happen. It's hard to stop the chatter in my head and the first 15 minutes or so I was definitely not accessing anything but mental obsession and looping. As I continued I felt surges going down my arms, pulsating energy. I know people in benzo w/d feel like they've been hooked up to an electrical socket but I actually enjoy these surges. It feels like I can move energy from a point of tension (mainly i feel it in my chest or pelvic area) through my arms over and over again, it feels empowering. I felt the need to move and sway, circling my head and then getting up to do some weird rhythmic dance with the drumming and rattling going on and on. My kids were out of the house and so was anyone who could see me doing some new age beserk dance. It felt freeing. The burning in my chest relieved a bit. I just let my body move the way it wanted to in the middle of my living room. My dog seemed unfazed.
Core limiting beliefs I am releasing:
-Fear of giving and receiving love
-Fear of death
-Anger at the way things are
-The universe won't support me
-Opening my heart, opening despite disappointment or potential hurt
Basically loving deeply and fully and trusting life no matter what.
Then something happened. I thought I had released enough and was in the kitchen preparing breakfast. I just broke down crying and crying as I saw my little boy's faces in my mind.. When I talked to my son yesterday and told him I was so sorry that I couldn't be more present with him, that I just needed more rest until I could get off this medicine, he said, " What's the name of the doctor that did this". He's 6. It was a funny and sad moment. I need to get back to being a mother again fully. I shed a lot of tears and just kept crying and crying over my breakfast saying I am sorry to my babies to myself. I feel so determined and it was a bit cathartic. I didn't even know I could cry so hard before this medication.
Let this be a time where you really dig deep and release old ways of thinking and doing things. This isn't just about the medication for me. It's about changing and reconfiguring my life completely from the inside out rather than the outside in.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.