sCheck out this link:
www.huffingtonpost.com/van-winkles/is-it-bedtime-for-benzos_b_7663456.html This is a great and informative article about the dangers of using benzo or Z type drugs for sleep. Although I was initially prescribed Valium in my twenties for interstitial cystitis, I returned to valium when I was getting little to no sleep after having kids. I never ever in a million years thought my infrequent use would lead me here. But when I had a bad reaction to a steroid shot, my acupuncturist who was also an MD assured me that my sleep was vital and "we can worry about you getting off after you get some sleep-you are not an addict" he assured me. I agreed. I never thought my small usage would land me in this kind of life altering circumstance, but it did. Let's inform our GP's, our doctors, our healers. When I landed in the ER recently with a bladder infection (another joy of benzo w/d) the ER doc said " Well, benzo w/d only lasts 3 weeks" . We know that clearly isn't true as in my cold turkey and fast taper it was the 3 week mark when things started to get utterly unbearable and life threatening (such severe diarreah and muscle twitching all over my magnesium level plummeted to o.2). I met a woman today who said she was just diagnosed with fibromyalgia. When I talked with her further she said she's been taking 1mg of ativan for the last 15 years. I told her, you don't have fibromyalgia, you are in tolerance withdrawal. Jesus. I didn't go to medical school but it just makes sense. So many tragedies because of overprescription and misuse of medications that are meant for 2 weeks tops. Why I never read the insert of the medication packet, why I never took it seriously, I take full ownership of that. And I must forgive myself for looking for a short cut to the deeper physical/emotional and spiritual problems in my life. I needed to take a look at WHY I wasn't sleeping in the first place (thyroid, over work, disconnection, disillusionment, exhaustion, being on a hamster wheel and not knowing how to bring joy back in my life). I feel fortunate the last couple of days. They have been ok. I am continuing to listen to Joe Dispenza but I think I need more direction on how exactly to meditate as if the outcome that you desire has already happened. He says you have to sit down and imagine yourself there and when you get up from the meditation you have to get up as a different person entirely. Forget the WHEN and HOW the outcome will happen, just release it to the quantum field as if it has already happened and wait for the results. Magical thinking? Hey, bring it on.
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Today was my introduction to Yoga Nidra. I was feeling desperate today with chemical anxiety and a feeling that I was crawling out of my skin. God, I won't go into details but I know others in benzo w/d understand this feeling. I wondered--why? Why did this emerge today? I had two good days off-- I mean not 'perfect', I wasn't quite "me" but I hiked, read, parented, picked up my kids and lived the days with much less suffering than today. I had a call with someone who is getting a divorce. The decision was sudden and unexpected. Maybe it triggered my own uncertainty in my life and marriage. Can a thought and feeling be so powerful? In benzo withdrawal you can't hide from your shadow. Every little thought, feeling, conditioning that you have been living with and hiding from will jump out at you. You have a choice if you want to address it. I know we aren't always thinking straight in benzo withdrwawal obviously. But this is an opportunity. It might be a painful one, but it's here if you want to go down this journey of questioning. Today, I had to go to work and my nerves burned. I was so agitated inside but projected a sense of calm. This is a survival skill from childhood. I remember in college, being a ball of anxiety when it came to academics and the debate professor was grading me and said " I never have to worry about you getting an ulcer". I was blown away that I had such a facade, such a mask that I wore day in and day out. I was a ball of anxiety throughout my childhood and cried during every exam I had. I put so much undue pressure on myself and was fighting with what I now understand was ADD. I couldn't stop spacing out in class and would drift off into a dream world, then frantically try to get everything done the night before. I succeeded but not without my body paying a price. I am struck by the lack of coherence between my outer and inner life. Today I was literally wincing in pain from benzo withdrawal yet I faked it until I made it to 10pm tonight. The meditation did actually help. I keep future tripping like--god, I can't do six more mos of tapering like this?! Ok, so maybe I will and maybe I won't,.. I don't need to figure that out now and neither do you. The stuff you read online, who knows what else is at play and nothing works the same for everybody. I know everyone warns people of detox but what if this is undue suffering and tapering is equally as stressful on the body. We will see. I am practicing my best to not react to my sensations and symptoms. That is all well and good when you are having a good day. It's very easy to be 'spiritual' when your life is going well. Yet, I have learned one lesson through this experience. I really really do not need to wait until a crisis to make space for my spiritual work and my soul work. I shoulda coulda woulda done things differently. Right now, it's like this, and the day is over. Good night. I was listening to a you tube today on spiritual emergency and the first things first on what to do. The women interviewed all suggested grounding--feet on the floor, walking and grounding. Making sure the person is eating and sleeping. Letting them know that this is a normal process of awakening and that they are not going crazy. She suggested imaging a house as your foundation. From that house you can choose to open the windows and let energy in, or keep the windows closed if the energy is too strong. For instance in the case of spiritual emergency many people may present with agoraphobia or other phobias because they are so open that they can't contain all the energy coming into their field. They also said put all spiritual endeavors on the shelf now. That one feels hard because I feel pulled to try different classes and get different kinds of guidance but keeping things simple seems like common sense. See if your practice is a grounding one or an activating one. I think I am going to put kundalini exploration on the shelf as it is activating. Mindfulness and short meditations feel helpful. I don't need to understand what happened several weeks back. In fact, I was listening to Shinzen Young who said shaktipat is just the exchange of energy, and we are exchanging energy with people all day long.
I know this is complicated and intertwined with my benzo withdrawal. Feeling like all of my senses are burning and awake and it's painful. I went on a walk and felt better, now got myself riled up again. I feel impulsive and like I am a live wire. I feel like I want to run away, get in the car and just drive and drive and drive..... |
AuthorSomeone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY. Archives
November 2018
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