Today was my introduction to Yoga Nidra. I was feeling desperate today with chemical anxiety and a feeling that I was crawling out of my skin. God, I won't go into details but I know others in benzo w/d understand this feeling. I wondered--why? Why did this emerge today? I had two good days off-- I mean not 'perfect', I wasn't quite "me" but I hiked, read, parented, picked up my kids and lived the days with much less suffering than today. I had a call with someone who is getting a divorce. The decision was sudden and unexpected. Maybe it triggered my own uncertainty in my life and marriage. Can a thought and feeling be so powerful? In benzo withdrawal you can't hide from your shadow. Every little thought, feeling, conditioning that you have been living with and hiding from will jump out at you. You have a choice if you want to address it. I know we aren't always thinking straight in benzo withdrwawal obviously. But this is an opportunity. It might be a painful one, but it's here if you want to go down this journey of questioning.
Today, I had to go to work and my nerves burned. I was so agitated inside but projected a sense of calm. This is a survival skill from childhood. I remember in college, being a ball of anxiety when it came to academics and the debate professor was grading me and said " I never have to worry about you getting an ulcer". I was blown away that I had such a facade, such a mask that I wore day in and day out. I was a ball of anxiety throughout my childhood and cried during every exam I had. I put so much undue pressure on myself and was fighting with what I now understand was ADD. I couldn't stop spacing out in class and would drift off into a dream world, then frantically try to get everything done the night before. I succeeded but not without my body paying a price. I am struck by the lack of coherence between my outer and inner life. Today I was literally wincing in pain from benzo withdrawal yet I faked it until I made it to 10pm tonight. The meditation did actually help. I keep future tripping like--god, I can't do six more mos of tapering like this?! Ok, so maybe I will and maybe I won't,.. I don't need to figure that out now and neither do you. The stuff you read online, who knows what else is at play and nothing works the same for everybody. I know everyone warns people of detox but what if this is undue suffering and tapering is equally as stressful on the body. We will see.
I am practicing my best to not react to my sensations and symptoms. That is all well and good when you are having a good day. It's very easy to be 'spiritual' when your life is going well. Yet, I have learned one lesson through this experience. I really really do not need to wait until a crisis to make space for my spiritual work and my soul work. I shoulda coulda woulda done things differently. Right now, it's like this, and the day is over. Good night.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.