Precious sleep.
I remember in my twenties I was known to sleep until noon. I could never relate to insomnia. Therefore I couldn't really empathize with people who had trouble sleeping. I have always been anxious, but sleep has always been something I did very very WELL. When people would complain about sleep I would nod in empathy but inside I thought I don't get it, what is so hard about SLEEPING? Well, after children (and even during my pregnancy) I began to understand just how crushing lack of sleep is to the soul. My first son never slept. His preschool called one day and said, "we know he's sick because he took a nap today". He never napped. We'd bounce him on the bouncy ball for hours, wrapped tightly in his swaddle. Our nanny called it THE BURRITO., But even this, didn't seem to help. The minute he was out of our arms and laid down in his crib his eyes would pop wide open, My second son suffered from so many ear infections that another year or two went by without us sleeping through the night. My husband would barely hear their cries, even when I elbowed him in the middle of the night. I became hyper aware. And also hyper aware that I only had 3 more hours before work. This cycle day in day out resulted in extreme insomnia and I literally felt like I was losing my mind, I could barely remember how to put two sentences together. My body became accustomed to waking at 4am in a panic and angry about not getting back to sleep and going to work in the morning, I just wanted a break, I was on a hamster wheel. I should have taken one. This morning I woke up after sleeping a good 12 hours. OMG My children are away at the moment and to be fair, I am medicated. I was put on remeron to help with this withdrawal. I tapering and am under 2.5mg of valium currently. So that's good. But 12 hours?! Bless me,. The sleep fairies have sprinkled some fairy dust on me last night. It feels SO good to not have to get up and take care of anyone but myself this morning, you have no idea. I need 6 months to a year of this. Then my body can heal. I have been living on 4 hours of sleep for over 5 years. I am sure you can relate as benzos were prescribed to me for sleep like many of you. Though I feel drugged at the moment, I feel a sense of bliss that my body can even do that, and confident that once off medication natural sleep will be restored. My friend who has hypothyroid and I joked that we wanted a trade. I am more hyperthyroid up up and wired and she feels low and heavy and sleepy. I have been alternating between the two states during withdrawal. But today, I feel happy so far today. Mind you, the day just started a ten minutes ago...... Sleep fairies do your thing!
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I went to a workshop today on A Course Of Miracles. I have the big blue book and have read it here and there. It is pretty dense and it seems helpful to have others to talk to about it. Today the teacher said that the basis of a Course of Miracles is moving from a place of fear to a place of love...that is the miracle. Whatever you are afraid of in your life, can you move into a place of love about it. We meditated on the mantra " Can you let this be a miracle, can you let this be a miracle?". So, it's a fancy way of saying can you reframe this experience that you are having at the moment.
If I can adjust my attitude in this way, maybe the symptoms don't have to be so uncomfortable or scary. I know everyone wants to know... what are the symptoms? Does it really matter? How bad are they? Are they as bad as MY SYMPTOMS? I notice on the forums there are a lot of people that admit they have hypochondria. Someone posted a frantic post about his red poo after eating red velvet cake. I had to laugh. And I laugh because I have been there, I don't laugh to make fun of anyone. I was having strong feelings about something in my life today and instead of feeling the feelings (which I fully thought I was doing) I convinced myself that I had this disease (I won't mention it it doesn't matter). Now look, I might have that said disease. And I might not. But I tried to think why is this hypochondria popping up right now? I haven't had it in a while. I mean I have been all sorts of uncomfortable but I have been trying day by day to be in full acceptance of this experience. Again, I am not in acute bc if I was I might not be able to talk/think/write etc etc. so my deepest empathy for those that are. I was using this fear as a major distraction from the real fear that I was feeling. I tried to acknowledge that and talk it over with a friend. I was of service to another friend in need today. I did my best. You are too. I was lucky enough to find this spiritual teacher and took his class recently. I was really pleasantly surprised as he was mirroring all that I am trying to undo in my life. Unlearn suffering and take a deeper look at the questions in life that have been eating away at me, regarding god, death,happiness, love and suffering and what it means to get a Guru.
I am still in the midst of reading his book but I can tell you I love it and I had a wonderful experience listening to his work. I have been searching for a long time exploring different spiritual practices, going and listening and meditating with different teachers. A teacher has to feel like a good fit, someone that resonates with you and what you are trying to attain. Someone who is many steps ahead of where you are. What I like about his work which is based in the Tantric tradition is that: " Tantric teachings are based on the notion that truth is not reliant on conditions. That means the divine can be found throughout humanity. While other traditions teach we must banish sexual desires, anger, greed, ego, and many other 'negative emotions' Tantra invites us to use each human experience as a pathway to our higher selves". I love that you can continue to explore spiritual pursuits and use life as a teacher not necessarily having to go into a monastery or renounce desire. I often think many people involved in spiritual work have done a 'spiritual bypass' either ignoring, avoiding or denying their trauma, their deep needs and longing,addictions, anger, bad habits etc. What is more useful or spiritual then examining who you are in relationship to others and when things are not going as you planned in life? I believe in transparency and authenticity beyond anything else. Whatever the truth is, bringing it out into the open so it can be felt, examined, in order for a shift in consciousness to occur. If we suppress it or ignore it it will follow us or emerge in a different form. |
AuthorSomeone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY. Archives
November 2018
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