I remember in my twenties I was known to sleep until noon. I could never relate to insomnia. Therefore I couldn't really empathize with people who had trouble sleeping. I have always been anxious, but sleep has always been something I did very very WELL. When people would complain about sleep I would nod in empathy but inside I thought I don't get it, what is so hard about SLEEPING?
Well, after children (and even during my pregnancy) I began to understand just how crushing lack of sleep is to the soul. My first son never slept. His preschool called one day and said, "we know he's sick because he took a nap today". He never napped. We'd bounce him on the bouncy ball for hours, wrapped tightly in his swaddle. Our nanny called it THE BURRITO., But even this, didn't seem to help. The minute he was out of our arms and laid down in his crib his eyes would pop wide open, My second son suffered from so many ear infections that another year or two went by without us sleeping through the night. My husband would barely hear their cries, even when I elbowed him in the middle of the night. I became hyper aware. And also hyper aware that I only had 3 more hours before work. This cycle day in day out resulted in extreme insomnia and I literally felt like I was losing my mind, I could barely remember how to put two sentences together. My body became accustomed to waking at 4am in a panic and angry about not getting back to sleep and going to work in the morning, I just wanted a break, I was on a hamster wheel. I should have taken one.
This morning I woke up after sleeping a good 12 hours.
My children are away at the moment and to be fair, I am medicated. I was put on remeron to help with this withdrawal. I tapering and am under 2.5mg of valium currently. So that's good. But 12 hours?! Bless me,. The sleep fairies have sprinkled some fairy dust on me last night.
It feels SO good to not have to get up and take care of anyone but myself this morning, you have no idea. I need 6 months to a year of this. Then my body can heal. I have been living on 4 hours of sleep for over 5 years. I am sure you can relate as benzos were prescribed to me for sleep like many of you.
Though I feel drugged at the moment, I feel a sense of bliss that my body can even do that, and confident that once off medication natural sleep will be restored.
My friend who has hypothyroid and I joked that we wanted a trade. I am more hyperthyroid up up and wired and she feels low and heavy and sleepy. I have been alternating between the two states during withdrawal. But today, I feel happy so far today. Mind you, the day just started a ten minutes ago......
Sleep fairies do your thing!
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.