So I can't stop reading BB posts. It's a double edged sword. Maybe it has something to do with dopamine. I really really want to find or create groups that can help those struggling with benzo w/d and the issues that come with it. Similar to AA but specific to this madness. I look forward to the texts and calls from my BB friends. My friend asked me -why can you call your BB friends back but you don't call me back? I am hiding from the world. Spending too much time on my own. Inside there is suffering, It physically hurts. I tremor and twitch and the chemical terror is horrendous.
Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed I suppose. I felt the rawness in my nervous system. My husband took my kids out and as usual I was not a part of it. This is becoming so goddamn fucking sad. I have not spent a weekend WITH my children for a year. I have two unruly boys. I cannot lift, or scream or parent, or coax anyone right now. I am in the middle of trying to fucking survive. I want that doctor who told me it was no big deal to get on these pills to read this. Goddamn him. And even further back the doctors that gave me valium for a sick bladder and an immune problem and intestinal parasites in my 20's. Wow. That was fucking smart? Feeling resentful now. There isn't a point reading this, but it helps me to write it.
Despite this resentment that in my earlier posts I fought so hard to combat, I did some good things today. I FORCED myself.
1. I visited my neighbor. The minute I got there I had this panic and agitation that I wanted to LEAVE even though I love her dearly. She understood.
2. I took a walk. I was breathless and counting the minutes. Half way through my hike my foot started hurting and I started to limp. There was an uh oh moment but I said fuck it, Keep walking, keep limping if you have to, you are getting up that goddamn hill. And I did. Die on your feet, Die on your feet. I normally would sprint up that hill full of vigor. I was on my own. It was grey and I was sullen. But I walked for an hour. Yay for me.
3. Got my bangs trimmed. Always a plus since I can't afford a haircut right now.
4. Volunteered to go grocery shopping because going home to my chaotic children felt like too much. I hate that I am avoiding my home, but I am. It's too much stimulation. I just want to go to a quiet home and sit with a heating pad on my bruised nerves in my chest. I have the farthest thing from a calm home. And it is cramped. But I am grateful I have a roof over my head. So there is that.
5. I washed up, did dishes, read a quick story to my children and hibernated again
6. Managed to watch a 1/2 episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I laughed out loud. Thank god for Larry David. I haven't laughed in a LONG time. I don't recognize myself.
The days and weeks are passing by and they are nothing short of brutal. They have improved in the last ten days and I am grateful. But I am bruised and traumatized by what I experienced 5 wks ago and I will be back there again. I know I will. There is not other choice. I wonder if this is the right decision. To try to get off a medication that seems impossible to get off of and is holding down my brutal akathesia. What happens when it pops up? How in the world will I survive it? I have no goddamn idea.
I just keep praying that the people around me can advocate for me. No more meds to cover up the wound. It has to heal. That's it. Easier said than done when you are battling the hardest symptom on planet earth.
Happy healing everyone.
As you can see it's easy to be cheerful when things are going my way. Now is when I am tested spiritually. And I am failing miserably.
I was a little too amped yesterday. It seems I always begin to write at midnight then I can't slow myself down. I just cried. I don't want to allow myself to cry because my CNS is SO raw. It literally feels so raw that any emotion will turn into night sweats and weeks of terror at the moment. So... I cried while watching a video slideshow that my husband made for me for our 9th anniversary. I was so unwell these last several months that I never even took a look at it. I couldn't make it all the way through. I saw the old me. Laughing. Doing fun things with my children. Joking with my kids. Pregnant. Walking my dogs. Laying on the beach. I never in a million years would have thought I would be here. Never. Expect the unexpected I guess.
The doctor I saw today said "Well, you are planning to go back into your work aren't you?". Sure. Yes. But I pray I will regain my mind and body. It's so far away. I am loaded up on gabapentin (actually on a fairly low dose of 600 mg per day total) which has kept the terror at bay the last 6-7 days. I feel it in my chest now. Damn. I shouldn't have cried. Things change in an instant in life. I met the wrong doctor at the wrong time in my life and got the wrong advice. I don't know, maybe my life has been leading to this breakdown all along. Could I have avoided it?
Will my iatrogenic injury ever heal? Will it? Will akathesia heal? Can it? My doctor assured me that yes it can. He assured me that I can heal under these drugs. He assured me I can get off this last 1mg. How brutal will it be, that we do not know. I restart my taper after the new year. A benzo friend who has come off successfully told me to slowly get off .1 per week unti I am off. All along I knew I would hit acute. I have been too unwell this whole year. The damage was already done. I know many who haven't kindled or have been on without shocking the nervous system and they have a much easier time. Even though I barely used a thing, my on/off pattern that started in my twenties has caught up with me now. The steroid was what through me over the edge as well as the cipro. All the past. need to stay focused on the future. I can and will do this. I told my husband to be my voice piece if I cannot speak. Don't let me wither away in some nasty hospital. He said he wouldnt let that happen. God if it weren't for akathesia I think I could do this. I think I could handle being tired, or having pain or whatever. it is the terror and inner restlessness, please make it go. PLEASE whoever the fuck is up there.
It will be a two month hold that I am doing. I need several weeks of 'respite'. Today I FORCED myself to go to yoga. Once there, I felt it was overtaxing to my nervous system. The burning started coming and the rawness and the heaviness of my body. It's not my body I am in right now. It might look like me, a haggard old ugly me but it's not me.I am going to do what Evy McDonald did when she healed herself. Look at every inch of my body and love it. Self compassion completely. Love all of it and let go of the results. I don't want to live my life in suffering. I don't want to live a life of pain. Whatever lessons are here for my soul to learn I better learn them quickly.
Today was an ok medicated kind of day.
Bad morning. I wake up feeling sick as usual.
I actually may be GETTING sick, It's hard to know because withdrawal makes you feel like you have the flu anyway. God, I hope not. I feel weak.
But a benzo friend texted me and said GET UP AND WALK. MAKE EGGS. She's tough. She walks in the rain, in the snow, in the cold, she keeps walking, She said better to die on your feet isn't it??
I didn't make the eggs, and I didn't want to eat and I didn't really want to walk either. I was walking through molasses all day. But I forced myself to get a foot massage and I managed to lay still. The neurontin is working for the akathesia. Benzo buddies tells you to fight through it, get totally clean etc etc but I need to do one thing at a time because akathesia WILL take me down.
I read a crazy story on BB by a man named Indigo. Whoa. Akathesia for years, being pulled off/on meds until he was having seizures all over the place. 4 years later he wrote a success story. Throughout all the horror he remained positive. It was something amazing. I need to learn from that guy. I get scared that I keep relating to these people's description of akathesia--the head pressure, the meth -like feeling, feeling lit up like a bulb with an energy that makes me feels like it will never come down. Terrifying.
It's quiet for now so there is no sense to relive it. I see the doctor this Friday to discuss resuming my taper. God help me.
I had an old friend that committed suicide several years ago. She was being messed around with on meds. She called me years prior to say how depressed she was and that she was on meds. She had not been like this before. Sure, she was dark and a goth kind of girl but not like this. Then I found out on FB. I was in disbelief.
I understand it now.
I don't want to ever do anything close to that but I want to be FREE of this garbage. I have gotten god awful information for the last year. I have to stay on a course and keep going. I am not upping any doses, I am on my way OFF. Period. I hope I can do it.
I miss my life.
I miss my friends.
I miss laughing.
So, today was an OK day in a medicated hell kind of way. I wasn't writhing in pain. I could sit. I could lay still. The night ended with my husband and I going on a walk together. Like old times. Sans children. It was dark, the air was fresh and it felt good. Today was an ok day in the scheme of things. We have to put one foot in front of the other and live from moment to moment. Each moment matters. That's all we have.
Tomorrow I plan on going to a reiki healing circle at a new age church. Hope it doesn't freak me out more!!!
Savor the moments.
Savor the gifts in life.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.