Today was an ok medicated kind of day.
Bad morning. I wake up feeling sick as usual.
I actually may be GETTING sick, It's hard to know because withdrawal makes you feel like you have the flu anyway. God, I hope not. I feel weak.
But a benzo friend texted me and said GET UP AND WALK. MAKE EGGS. She's tough. She walks in the rain, in the snow, in the cold, she keeps walking, She said better to die on your feet isn't it??
I didn't make the eggs, and I didn't want to eat and I didn't really want to walk either. I was walking through molasses all day. But I forced myself to get a foot massage and I managed to lay still. The neurontin is working for the akathesia. Benzo buddies tells you to fight through it, get totally clean etc etc but I need to do one thing at a time because akathesia WILL take me down.
I read a crazy story on BB by a man named Indigo. Whoa. Akathesia for years, being pulled off/on meds until he was having seizures all over the place. 4 years later he wrote a success story. Throughout all the horror he remained positive. It was something amazing. I need to learn from that guy. I get scared that I keep relating to these people's description of akathesia--the head pressure, the meth -like feeling, feeling lit up like a bulb with an energy that makes me feels like it will never come down. Terrifying.
It's quiet for now so there is no sense to relive it. I see the doctor this Friday to discuss resuming my taper. God help me.
I had an old friend that committed suicide several years ago. She was being messed around with on meds. She called me years prior to say how depressed she was and that she was on meds. She had not been like this before. Sure, she was dark and a goth kind of girl but not like this. Then I found out on FB. I was in disbelief.
I understand it now.
I don't want to ever do anything close to that but I want to be FREE of this garbage. I have gotten god awful information for the last year. I have to stay on a course and keep going. I am not upping any doses, I am on my way OFF. Period. I hope I can do it.
I miss my life.
I miss my friends.
I miss laughing.
So, today was an OK day in a medicated hell kind of way. I wasn't writhing in pain. I could sit. I could lay still. The night ended with my husband and I going on a walk together. Like old times. Sans children. It was dark, the air was fresh and it felt good. Today was an ok day in the scheme of things. We have to put one foot in front of the other and live from moment to moment. Each moment matters. That's all we have.
Tomorrow I plan on going to a reiki healing circle at a new age church. Hope it doesn't freak me out more!!!
Savor the moments.
Savor the gifts in life.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.