Confusion

So I can't stop reading BB posts. It's a double edged sword. Maybe it has something to do with dopamine. I really really want to find or create groups that can help those struggling with benzo w/d and the issues that come with it. Similar to AA but specific to this madness. I look forward to the texts and calls from my BB friends. My friend asked me -why can you call your BB friends back but you don't call me back? I am hiding from the world. Spending too much time on my own. Inside there is suffering, It physically hurts. I tremor and twitch and the chemical terror is horrendous. 
Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed I suppose. I felt the rawness in my nervous system. My husband took my kids out and as usual I was not a part of it. This is becoming so goddamn fucking sad. I have not spent a weekend WITH my children for a year. I have two unruly boys. I cannot lift, or scream or parent, or coax anyone right now. I am in the middle of trying to fucking survive. I want that doctor who told me it was no big deal to get on these pills to read this. Goddamn him. And even further back the doctors that gave me valium for a sick bladder and an immune problem and intestinal parasites in my 20's. Wow. That was fucking smart? Feeling resentful now. There isn't a point reading this, but it helps me to write it.

Despite this resentment that in my earlier posts I fought so hard to combat, I did some good things today. I FORCED myself.

1. I visited my neighbor. The minute I got there I had this panic and agitation that I wanted to LEAVE even though I love her dearly. She understood.
2. I took a walk. I was breathless and counting the minutes. Half way through my hike my foot started hurting and I started to limp. There was an uh oh moment but I said fuck it, Keep walking, keep limping if you have to, you are getting up that goddamn hill. And I did. Die on your feet, Die on your feet. I normally  would sprint up that hill full of vigor. I was on my own. It was grey and I was sullen. But I walked for an hour. Yay for me. 
3. Got my bangs trimmed. Always a plus since I can't afford a haircut right now.
4. Volunteered to go grocery shopping because going home to my chaotic children felt like too much. I hate that I am avoiding my home, but I am. It's too much stimulation. I just want to go to a quiet home and sit with a heating pad on my bruised nerves in my chest. I have the farthest thing from a calm home. And it is cramped. But I am grateful I have a roof over my head. So there is that.
5. I washed up, did dishes, read a quick story to my children and hibernated again
6. Managed to watch a 1/2 episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I laughed out loud. Thank god for Larry David. I haven't laughed in a LONG time. I don't recognize myself.
The days and weeks are passing by and they are nothing short of brutal. They have improved in the last ten days and I am grateful. But I am bruised and traumatized by what I experienced 5 wks ago and I will be back there again. I know I will. There is not other choice. I wonder if this is the right decision. To try to get off a medication that seems impossible to get off of and is holding down my brutal akathesia. What happens when it pops up? How in the world will I survive it? I have no goddamn idea.
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I just keep praying that the people around me can advocate for me. No more meds to cover up the wound. It has to heal. That's it. Easier said than done when you are battling the hardest symptom on planet earth.
Happy healing everyone.
As you can see it's easy to be cheerful when things are going my way. Now is when I am tested spiritually. And I am failing miserably.