If you like off beat romantic comedies, check out Two Days in Paris. It was a good distraction last night. I found myself laughing out loud, and transported myself to Paris.... I remember going there and feeling happy, free... We will do all the wonderful things we were meant to do soon.
Hold on my friends, healing is happening,,,,,,
Baylissa posted on FB a beautiful quote on GRACE.
It says " Grace comes as we loosen, at last, our white knuckled grip on what ought to be- but even grace is not always gentle or chosen. Sometimes it arrives disguised as a burden-as a loss or hurt or unwanted upheaval.
Oh how true, how true.....
What was your life like before benzodiazepines? Who were you in the world? What was going on? This is a wonderful, honest, heart wrenching yet validating video depicting the many faces of people damaged by prescription medication. Again, it's astounding to hear that people's military service abroad, the death of their first child and many other tragedies were easier to bear than benzo withdrawal. Yes folks, for some this is true.
I want to be positive, to think I won't have protracted withdrawal, but the truth is, I already had it BEFORE my taper. I just have to believe I am going to be guided and helped along this path.
The other day I bought Doreen Virtue's angel cards for fun and decided to pull a thread of 3 cards. The left signifying the past, the middle signifying the present and the right card signifying the future.
The future. Oh, my future. What will that be like? Who will I be? How will I feel? When will this be over?
The final card I pulled is the Ten of Thought. It says " A situation that has been troubling you has now come to an end..you can breathe a sigh of relief, with the challenges behind you, you can now move on....It is important to fully let go at this junction....Someone in your life may now finally be free of addictions or codependency issues".
Ha! Love it. I don't know what to believe with these cards but it is a source of comfort and fun for me.
I peeked into the future and thought... oh... give me ME back again. Where did I go? When will this come to pass...
In the meantime, I have to keep showing up for the day, keep tapering, keep meditating, keep parenting to the best of my ability.
The other day when I spoke with my son about someone who was losing their temper often he looked at me and said "Well, are they trying to change?" And I said, " I really don't know", He knowingly said, " Well, they need to at least try".
I think my older son feels my love, he feels that I am trying, he feels it even though I am so limited and barren right now. We are all just trying, trying trying.... that is the best that we can do.
I had a benzo buddy say this to me the other day. Yesterday I wanted to curl up in a ball and just say "please please please help me". I felt small and desperate. I felt alone and on an endless road. Today is so different. What changed?
My friend said to me, "Look, we are all on this rollercoaster but you refuse to SIT DOWN". We started laughing. I am a go-getter. I am driven. I go-go go, walk, exercise, work like a fiend and love hard. But I have to say, my drive, my will on a bad day can barely fight this. I made the stupid mistake of going cold turkey (well, it took weeks to realize it was withdrawal, I thought I was dying) and tried to tough it out. Wrong move. This is a time when my go-getter attitude, my can-do willpower was NOT the right move. I did more damage. But here I am, and on a bad day, I just think, oh my god, this is ruining the last two-three years of my and my children's life and I am not even off the poison yet. And yet, I won't sit down. Is it better to stop working? I think I will know when and if that time comes, I will have to turn things over and say, yes, I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable. Today feels better. I went to work. I helped an acquaintance who talked about their son being on klonopin realize that their son wasn't FIXED and in fact let them know the urgency of them getting off slowly. Doctors need to understand this in a very big way.
So, ok, that's my rant.
Taking it one day at a time.
For some, staying indoors and quitting work is the right thing, for others, we cannot do that and work provides a temporary distraction. We don't know what our unique brain chemistry will do. We can only hope for the best and sit down on the rollercoaster and buckle up.
Sorry, but I am about to be a debbie downer. I know that isn't the intention of this blog. noone needs another sob story, benzo blah blah on the internet. But I have to keep it real. Feeling pretty pretty damn low. What can I do to raise my vibration and raise my mood. I feel like the one thing that was bringing me sanity-which was exercise and walking/hiking has now been taken away for an indefinite amount of time as I am forced to lay low and recuperate from this sickness. It's hard and I feel ansy. I feel amped from my breathing medications and wondering if I am going to be ok. Doom and gloom is back. Alone with my own presence and my own thoughts. I listened to some benzo you tube videos and checked in on BB and Bliss John's fb site. One thing that was interesting was one woman who was in hell with withdrawal who went to a center at about 5 or so mos off and felt it was a turning point because it forced structure onto her life. She was forced to wake up., shower, attend meetings etc and be in the company of others. Again, in acute this isn't possible because some people cannot even sit still. But once passed acute this was the turning point. Change your thoughts, feelings and behaviors and the brain will follow. I am meditating close to two hours per day. I learned a technique which was when the monkey mind and mental chatter comes up, say in/out and count 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10, then back again. It helps to control the mental merry go round.
I just feel so torn, so much confusion. I want to make a definitive decision about certain things in my life, but I just listened to a new age talk on confusion and the message was this---- distract yourself from the problem at hand, even if it's multiple problems. Distract and get your attention elsewhere. Confusion is a temporary state no matter what. So, it's just a matter of time until the issue gets resolved somehow some way. Now of course, we need to take action at times, but at this time, where I am at right now, in the thick of tapering, in the thick of an illness, it isn't really the time to act. Is it? See, I am confused!!!!! It is actually uncharacteristic for me, but we are talking major life issues like my job, my marriage, basically all of what is important in my life.
Pulling myself out of this deep dark funk, I feel I am sinking low. I know I need to get away from BB, get away from reading scary stories, get away from social media and endless scrolling, scrolling, Continue to self care and trust the right people, the right solutions will appear at the right moment in time. Whether I like it or not, I am exactly where I need to be. And let me add, I fucking don't like it.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.