My body is saying NO. I had a conversation with someone the other day that stuck with me. He said he felt I should let everything go now or else 3 years from now I could be in a worse position. Everyone says work is a good distraction. Some days it is, but I prefer peace and quiet at the moment. Days to be on my own and heal and take care of myself. I don't have that luxury at the moment to do that, but I am not sure if I am making a bad decision by keeping my life going. The question is should I let everything just GO right now, just surrender or keep going, taking care of others and being concerned about my responsibilities. I mean if I had a trust fund, believe me I would quit work tomorrow and take a month long retreat on an island. The problem is in benzo w/d there is no escaping or knowing when it will hit harder than other times. Some days are ok and others tense. I know that the stress response can turn on with just a THOUGHT. A powerful thought. like am I in the right marriage? Am I going to die can send me shaking for hours.
My body has been saying NO for the last 3 years. With a full time business, two kids, sleepless nights, pouring more and more responsibility on top of responsibility my body broke. I know joy, fun and love is the answer. Somewhere somehow I hope I am getting close to that.
I don't want to end up in an obituary in Gabor Mate's speech, I know that much.
Trying to find balance.
I did yoga today, hatha yoga. Normally the kind of yoga that my Type A personality would shun and complain about.. it's not hardcore enough, I am not getting fit enough, I am wasting an hour, getting angry etc etc..I am not getting that tight ass I want... You know what? This experience is stripping me to my essentials because I could care less about any of that...
Today it felt just right,
I was glad I could be still somewhat in class. My body is burning again but I am going to choose to ignore it. The depressive feelings are quite intense and I just want to curl up in a ball and be alone. I hope everyone is hanging in there. This blog sounds quite desperate because I think in benzo w/d it makes you feel quite desperate. Like a quivering mess. Healing is happening each and every day....
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.