September 03rd, 2018

I should be asleep right now.
I'm being kept awake by what is a simple little cold in the lives of normies.
A cold is annoying, but you know it will fade away in a matter of days.
My logical mind knows that this is still true.
Yet this chest pain and congestion has brought me down a deep mental  rabbit hole.
I can't sleep for one.
And worse, I can't breathe.
The physical air hunger ( I am an asthmatic so this sensation is especially triggering) leads to a mental darkness.
Thoughts that circle around my mind-- I am never going to get better. This is going to last forever. I'm going to have to use an inhaler, and that will lead to acute withdrawal. I don't belong in this world. I have to fake it until I make it and I never will. Never ever ever never ever ever.....
There goes my cyclical doom and gloom brain.
The thing is I think this thinking altogether is a symptom of benzo withdrawal as well as PTSD for anyone that has had a chronic illness as I have had for nearly 30 years.
A friend of mine got frustrated with me tonight because I went into hiding today when I didn't feel well.
Rather than reaching out, rather than telling the truth of my experience, which was a shitty one I retreated. And cleaned.
Everything amps me. I need total calm and I need excitement all at once. I need distraction and I need reality. I need connection and I need isolation.
I am a walking paradox. I'm cycling through so much, so fast it's hard to get my bearings.
And my throat hurts. My chest feels like it's been shot by a hundred arrows.
I know today is just a shitty day that will pass.
I'm so pleased by the comments below from a fellow travelers who is now healed! So amazing to hear these stories and I am so grateful that he'd come on my page to let me know that it does and can get better.
I'm curious if people in your life actually want to really hear what you are thinking and feeling or if they just want you to be well.
I get the sense that people want me to be well, just as much as I want to be well. Even with those closest to me, I try to put on a brave face. I don't think this is a bad defense I just think sometimes you just need someone to see you,and bear witness to what is happening. Sometimes being in reality together is the hardest thing but important.