My brain feels like scrambled eggs.
I feel an intense fatigue today, it's almost impossible to type my arms feel heavy and leaden.
My chest feels burned raw on the inside.
I want to go away. This can't be living.
I overexerted again.... meaning I went to the Apple store to try to get a new phone up and running. Amidst "normal" people I felt more alone than ever. I sat there trying to be patient with the akathisia mounting inside of me.
My body broke out in what felt like bee stings all over. I burned. I sighed deeply... can't anyone see this torture?
Finally it was time to leave, mission accomplished but I was uncertain if I could walk across the mall to my car, breathing heavily, a mixture of fatigue, panic, feeling like I was on meth and heroin and LSD at the same time.
I managed to make it to my car.
That was days ago.
It left me depressed and hopeless.
How far I have to go, it doesn't seem possible.
My bladder aches, physical terror comes and goes, the fatigue takes hold and usually I welcome it.
But I have things to do. Life to live.
This might be it. I just don't know.
I must accept this existence. That each moment feels so incredibly uncomfortable.
My brain burns. I mean it. It does.
I have been trying to get immunological testing done now for over 3 weeks. I can't seem to manage it. I had to be at the lab by 10am and it took me a total of 3 weeks to do that.
I'm not a lazy person.
I know it sounds like it for anyone reading this blog. Any outsiders would see me as lazy.
What do you do all day they say.
Don't you get bored they say.
It's all in your head they say.
If you just push yourself the brain will follow they say
You sound so energetic on the phone they say.
You look so normal they say.
When I hang up the phone, I take to my bed. To my bath. To my sanctuary. Away from life, living it on the sidelines for now.
5/20/2018 07:42:10 am
I enjoy reading your blog. Thank you for documenting your journey.
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Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.