I'm piecing together a life.
I look like I have one. I mean a normal one. But I don't. Not yet at least.
Today I did a bit of work and mustered up the courage to open some mail.
It's always discouraging to open mail, to confront bills when your finances are so scarce you don't know if you can pay them.
Things like life insurance, health insurance, work fees, taxes ... the boring stuff of life. Things I've never been good at. Now my relationship to these mundane things are exponentially worse.
Lack of sleep takes its toll too.
My sleep schedule is insanely off kilter and part of that is my fault and part of that is the torture this beast brings with it.
At night I begin to feel my best...and when I say "best" it's hardly good. I seem to get wired but tired and take walks late at night to try to help with sleep.
I'm walking through withdrawal but at close to midnight. I look like a crazy person, and by all accounts maybe I am one at this juncture.
I dab my essential oils on my wrists and feet, and dip my feet into a steaming hot pot full of magnesium chloride, I turn on the diffuser, listen to music, try to talk with benzo friends (all of whom have the same fucked schedule that I do) and then put my heavy head on my pillow.
Then I wait.
That's the time of night I think I'm not going to make it. I sort of say some kind of made up prayer and then surrender my will to the universe. So far it's worked.
That's the time of night I feel the burning, my skin prickles like I'm being bitten by a swarm of bugs, my head is making all sorts of mechanical noises some which sound like whistles, others like drilling.
I woke today with terror and an ache in my throat. Yesterday my bladder felt so sore it was hard to walk. My GI is wrecked and that's a constant. This is the only place I recite my symptoms in detail, and I try not to do that at all. But sometimes I just need to say it.
I DON'T FEEL WELL AND I AM SICK OF IT
What does a healthy body feel like?
What is it like to drift off into sleep with a relaxed body and mind. Not a jackhammer drilling through your brain and inhabiting a body that feels more like a forest fire than anything else. What is it like to be believed. To not have to go into hiding because of these symptoms and because most of the world doesn't understand and doesn't care to learn.
What is it like to not have the last thought you have at night be " I don't think I am going to make it?" And even worse, to sometimes feel you don't really want to.
Then there are other days when by sheer will of force, by magic, the stars seem to align and there is a moment and I do mean a MOMENT of calm, peace, contentment and most of all hope.
Those are the moments that keep me going.
And most of all the connection of others--online, in person, on the phone....despite the drama and sometimes intensity that many of us have online it can be a lifeline when no one else in the world gives a damn.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.