Out of ideas. Bone tired

I have been struggling hard these last several weeks. My gung ho attitude, positive thinking is hard to maintain at the moment. It's not even mental, it's been physical hell. Today is quieter. I will enjoy the quiet. But the quiet scares me because there is always a storm the next day and on and on. Going to see a new doctor today to discuss options. I need off. How? How will I manage? The pain I have felt last two weeks was not manageable pain. I know I am on repeat and it is boring but true. Two days ago a glorious window. I am so tired. I need to be here. I need to be alive for myself and my family. I love life, I love all of it. The body and brain are resilient right? I am still and quiet and sad. I am in disbelief. When I said to my sister that there must be a purpose in this, she said the purpose is YOU. The purpose in ME. I am ME. This is NOT ME. All these opinions online, these horror stories,... I believe them ALL. We can't get stuck in our horror though. I need to make the most of the quieter moments. Let the storms pass through me. I am ME and this is NOT ME. I will be ME again.. I will be ME again. Whatever it takes. I have to do this. I have to or my life will never be the same and I will have to take these poisons forever. This has to happen. Why is my pain so intense? Maybe everybody goes through it. Something just doesn't make sense. Please higher power, god, look after me right now. Thank you.