Inconsistency--my own worst enemy
I am a terrible patient. I was told to take the GP consistently but I thought, hey, let me try to skimp on the dose and see if I can get away with it. After all I want to be MED free don't I. Well, that experiment didn't work. I was feeling heavy and sedated--which in benzo w/d is a GOOD THING but I decided to fuck with the program as I am apt to do and thought, hey, let me skip my afternoon dose. WRONG. In terror again by night. It's chemical anxiety. It's physical. I feel restless, agitated. I read a wonderful piece on Akathesia written by a guy on the internet named Jay Lamb. It was funny. It was painful. And it was accurate when he said it's the MOTHER OF ALL SYMPTOMS. Per his nutritional experiment and suggestion I furiously got in the car in search of pistachio nuts, almonds and cashews and ate them like a lunatic in the car. PLEASE. MAKE. THIS. STOP.
Well, it didn't really work. I mean I could be worse at the moment, just feel that inner restlessness that I experience as AGONY.
Tomorrow, for fuck sake I am going to stick to the dose recommended and stick to the plan. I gotta take this other poison to get off the BIG poison.
In times like these when I feel this agitated, I think, NO WAY I can survive this. I know many have. And Jay Lamb whoever you are, you sound amazing. You sound like a go-getter, a fighter.. I like your sense of humor. But when I am like this I just want to say, enough, stop this fucking experiment, put me in a goddamn coma for the next six months and let me come out of this HEALED.
I don't know if I have the physical or mental fortitude.
Baylissa Frederick said to me the other day that she feels we are not given more than we can handle. Ok. In theory I agree. But, this my friends is MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE.
I am an anxious person by nature I told her. How the fuck am I going to survive Benzo w/d?
The fucking pain, physical mainly that I feel, the terror, the burning --it feels like too much universe. Universe/Angels/ Someone up there show me a goddamn sign that this is going to come to a pretty neat end.... and I don't mean death. I am ready for life. I am ready to be back in the world of the living. Come on already. I can't breathe through this. I can't meditate my way out of this. I want to curl up and sleep my way out of it, but we all know that ain't gonna happen either in withdrawal is it.
Lesson learned: Take medication as directed with one goal in mind.
Sprinkle lavendar on my pillow.
Try to not obsessively look online for remedies ( I found one that mentions Vitamin B6 can help with akathesia! so I texted my doc to see if that's indicated at the moment)
When I have to do something like empty the dishwasher in this state I have to keep giving myself very slow careful directions. Ok.. Take dish out, put in cupboard, next dish, breathe, forks and knives, no don't stab yourself like you want to, just keep moving. Like Loretta said, Use it. Use the restlessness. God fuck this shit already I am sorry.
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Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.