I've been trying to keep my stress low and do my daily walks. The mornings are so hard, I wake up and literally feel like death. Lately I have felt lots of fatigue mixed with terror and terrible terrible stomach pains. I've been juicing celery juice daily and I think that has maybe been a little harsh for me at the moment. It takes me a good several hours just to push myself out the door and get going. Today I did a bit of work from home and then pushed myself on a walk in the mountains. I knew I needed to be with my kids but also knew that if I didn't walk, I wouldn't be THERE at all.
I talked to a benzo friend who is struggling with a family member just wanting them to rush off these meds. This problem is so misunderstood that our family members, the ones that genuinely care for us the most, are impatient and pushing us to get off faster and faster than advisable. Of course everyone is different. There is no one size fits all. I regret reinstating twice, leading to major kindling and spending over 3 years on a toxic medication that I had only taken here and there for three months initially. But what is done is done. Here I am. I got a mixture of bad information from multiple sources both doctors and friends and family. None of it was helpful and none of it was right. I was badly injured and kindled and my CNS was sensitized. It would have been better for me to get off the damn med 3 years ago, get on gabapentin ( which I ended up on anyway) and pray for healing.......
Anyhow, there is only forward no turning backward.
I'm finding some relief at night. I'm not sure if it's exactly relief or relief that the day is over and that I get to sleep. Drug sleep but sleep.
Maybe all I look forward to daily is sleep. To be knocked out and woken up when this nightmare is over.
This is my place to vent, to whine and to complain. I try to be inspirational too but most of all I want to be me, and I want to be real. I've had some issues with some people complaining that I am, well....too real. Too honest or truthful about my fears, my dread, my future. I'm in my body and I know what I feel. I completely detach from my physical state which is pretty overwhelming. At nine months off I'm not sure I am feeling physical healing but I'm used to this. After all it has been 3 years like this already. I literally cannot remember a body that is out of pain or discomfort. I have to break my days into small manageable chunks or it will just eat me alive.
So that is what I do.
Juice Celery (ouch)
Work a bit, take care of any outstanding business or paperwork that I can wrap my head around
See my kids for a couple of hours
Talk on the phone
Watch a movie if I can handle it
Listen to music
Meditation if I'm motivated
That is the exciting life of someone that used to work 6-8 hours daily, do 1.5 hours of yoga, hike up mountains with my son's, go to dinners, parties, networking..... on and on.
So, I'm using the A word. ACCEPTANCE.
That's all I've got right now.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.