I hope everyone is feeling the LOVE today. Whatever that means to you.
Snuggling with your cat, cuddling with your dog, or even better your man/woman/teddy bear whatever it may be.
My day started with a walk. Breathless. I kept going. It really helps to walk with my soulful neighbor. I am not sure I would have pushed myself as far, had I not walked with my sweet, forgiving, and non judgmental neighbor.
Everyone needs a circle of sacred 3 people that you can call upon, people that know you inside and out, don't judge, tell you the truth, nudge you in the right direction. She is that person to me and I am grateful. She doesn't get this benzo madness but she is caring, honest, and has good common sense. She directs me to distract my thoughts, focus elsewhere and get out of the house when I can, even to join her running errands. It helps. Every little distraction helps.
I had another acquaintance come over and show me DoTerra essential oils! They are AMAZING. I think I have found my new career! I am so into these oils and they are very soothing and in fact a great way to distract. Just open up a bottle, take a looooong whif and focus your attention there. It is like a breathing meditation of sorts.
My old meditation mentor told me of other meditations you can do without sitting or closing your eyes. You can do a sound meditation where you put your focus on the sounds inside or outside of the house---the airplane, the clock ticking, the birds singing, the crickett chirping and so on. I will try this again.
From my earlier posts you will see I was meditating hardcore mid taper. I was getting into what they call an 'alpha' state and feeling like I was retranining my brain for relaxation. Benzos had other ideas. When things hit the fan in November I stopped abruptly because any stillness was not even possible in severe akathisia. It actually hurt to stay still. God, it's the most god awful symptom known to man/woman.
When I get my essential oils I will tell you exactly what they are but some that I remember are called: Wild Orange, Frankenscence, Peppermint and others. The best place to put them Iwas instructed was either in a diffuser, on your pillow or a couple of drops on your feet.
Apparently these are the real deal oils, not like the ones you buy in the store. Who knows.
They are lovely and I felt a sense that everything was going to be ok here in benzo land.
It was a brief moment of hope.
The night ended badly last night but today actually has gotten better as the day has progressed.. It is completely an unpredictable shit show (excuse my language).
I saw my doctor today who is very kind and open (this is another one) and not dismissive in the least. He has worked with complicated benzo cases and has 'seen this before'. Let's hope.
He assures me I can heal on gabapentin (not so sure..)and when I mentioned a GABA eating parasite he laughed out loud! It's good to have a laugh (umm even though I read it in a medical journal). He assures me I won't have an akathisia nightmare when getting off. Which is very different from the doctor that accurately said "You will be fucked at the end of your taper, you sensitized your nerves". That man, however crude, put it right. I know what's ahead. I mean not exactly but like I said I got a preview before the gabapentin was on board. I will keep going slowly but I am not going to do this forever. The time has to come fairly soon to start moving on in my life. God willing. No more surprises, only good ones puuleeez already.
I am instructed to keep trucking downward. He doesn't feel I should stay on for life. He says I have been miserable on this med and will heal only when off. It has to happen. We are investigating other issues like the migraine/seizure aura thing, bacterial and viral things to rule anything else out, then it will all be chalked up to BAD BAD withdrawal, CNS injury after cipro steroids , hypersensitivities etc. He also said that only when I am off can we determine what is causing what. We shall see. Putting my trust in this man and it's DAMN hard.
According to DNRS (Annie Hopper's program), I will need to keep talking, thinking, behaving like these issues don't exist ( I was doing this before I crashed at 1mg V) to try to retrain my limbic system to shut off the overdrive it is in. We shall see. I have to do my part. It's easy when I am less symptomatic like now. When I am symptomatic I tank. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to these symptoms --which is why this unpredictability of a protracted nervous system issue makes it impossible for people to understand or to go to work or plan much of anything. Most nights I am still up very late, but since I have no where to be in the morning I really don't sweat it. I had a call from my other doc this morning who asked me "Can you take a nap in the afternoon?" When a doctor asks me that I have to laugh and say, YOU DON'T GET IT DUDE. There are NO naps in benzo withdrawal. There is very little lying down. At least for me.
I have read through some of my posts and I feel they come off angry. I mean, yeah, I think it's normal to be angry, resentful, in disbelief etc etc and it's really really hard to smile through akathisia and debilitating pain. I know there are people who can do it because there was one such man on BB (Indigo's success story) that was astounding.
When you read Indigo's story and his positivity it's really like reading GRACE. I mean doctors FUCKED THIS GUY up (well he cold turkeyed 5 meds to start with which wasn't so smart obviously). Then the advice he got went from bad to worse. This man was ruined to bits with severe akathisia for YEARS. I mean YEARS. Many hospital stays and no previous mental illness. He made it through after 4 years, finally off everything, with still some CNS damage but I was just BLOWN away by the kindness, and positivity of his posts. He was easily one of the sickest people on that site. It was true grace.
The reason I mention my anger or resentment is because it doesn't serve me in helping me get the message to others--particularly those prescribing, about the dangers of benzos. These dangers are very real. Maybe they are somewhat uncommon but I don't think so. I think people who have been harmed by different medications start to fear health professionals and just stay home doing this nightmare DIY style.
But the purpose of writing, talking, sharing is ultimately to get the word out to friends, colleagues, doctors, therapists, neighbors, everyone and anyone.
Doing it with an angry tone puts people off I imagine. Yet, it is hard to remain sane and tender and rational when in the thick of it I understand. Sadly I am not the picture of grace but I am working on it.
Today I spent some one on one time just talking and sharing photos with my children. It was nice to be able to sit with them, rub their bellies and their feet. They just want their Momma well.
We celebrated V day with lots of chocolate ( I didn't partake) and hershey's kisses and cards and drawings.
My friend and I were looking for a distraction to this madness. I am not that into coloring books (although she thought about making a benzo one that was pretty funny), I don't know how to garden ( I guess I could learn but I am from New York City people), but I like to draw and paint and write. Play as much as you can when you have the good moments.
Tonight I listened to Beyonce and broke into some crazy moves.
It was 3 minutes and I did it. Keep fighting.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.