Wow, wow, wow. What a viewing. Some amazing quotes from Tony Robbins--"Destiny is who you'll become and what you are going to give in this life". "A trip is boring, a journey is an adventure". Is there any way we can look at this experience as an adventure? Where the fuck is it going to take me? you? We have to do our part and wait for grace to see the rest...
What an amazing man and documentary. You can really feel his humanness, his own suffering that has been transformed for the greater good of others. I love his ability to connect with others and call them out on their bullshit. The biggest spiritual lessons there are are not sitting in a cave meditating quietly on our own but being in relationships with other humans or facing our problems whatever they may be. That is where the growth happens. His mother was on tons of prescriptions including valium. She beat the shit out of him and he has become who he is because of that early experience. He is a real master communicator and inspirational guy. I was clapping and saying "YES" at many different moments during this movie. We can look at this benzo experience or any suffering right now as an opportunity for the breakthrough. That breakthrough happens slowly, then there comes a moment where you say, enough is enough. For me, I am done with suffering. Someone once said to me, "Bad news will find you" but I have to admit I have been spending the last couple of years LOOKING FOR IT through my worry and obsessions. Tony Robbins also said something interesting... where there is rejection there is obsession. He asked people to think of their earliest memory and then get right before that memory to heal it..... more on that soon.
I went to the doctor the other day. It was a checkup to check my electrolytes and thyroid blood work to see if that's interfering with things right now. I have been studying Joe Dispenza's book and have been getting into the "Alpha" state during meditations for the last 3 days. It's been quite an experience. I feel completely high after sitting for over an hour with no chatter. Something has shifted and I can feel the kundalini moving through my body and am able to tap into a deeper calm. The doctor looked at me funny and said, "You are eerily calm. I don't like it. You seem disassociated-- And you are wasting away".
"I don't like what I am seeing", he said.. I like this guy. He likes me. He said," I am learning a lot from you unfortunately and it's painful to watch because I like you." I asked him what he would do if I was his daughter and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "I would send you to rehab and I would pay for it". I started to cry. He read me right because yes I did feel calm but also severe DP/DR or maybe it was meditation bliss? Reframe anyone?. It's a very strange way to feel, kind of like walking around weightless and groundless. Again, I can look, act, seem normal but I am straddling two worlds. This guy is a GP and doesn't know much about the benzo world. He said I had too much insight, too much knowledge, like a doctor who gets sick and knows intricately what is happening in their brain and body but it is still happening.. Being the observer and the experiencer all at once. This is what Jill Bolte Taylor who wrote Stroke of Insight experienced when she had a stroke as a neuroanatomist. It was a moment of Ah ha-- whoaaaa.... how cool this is my brain having a stroke and understanding exactly what was happening but also being the patient in the experience as wel (I am not sure how cool it felt but maybe more like interesting). I am due back to see him in two weeks, I am starting to get worried about my lack of appetite and weight as well. I am literally shoving food in my body but I can barely do it, the appetite is just not there. I worry that 4-5 more months more of this and things will decline further. But I have to stay in the now. Things might get better not worse. If it stops working, I will make whatever change necessary.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.