Prison life is getting to me.
I mean that seriously. The prison is my mind and body. No one can see it. No one can sense it. But it's a prison, don't be fooled. Distractions have helped. When I say helped I mean I'm breaking the day into small mundane tasks. Pay bills Listen to music for an hour Take a shower Walk Kids Clean Clean some more Stay home.. no go out, no, stay home. Can't I just stay home forever? I'm bored out of my mind. I've started watching documentaries on Netflix. Watching stories of horror make me feel less alone. I don't want to see happy people right now. I want to see human suffering, meaning made of these moments of darkness. I watched a great one called One of Us about Orthodox Jews trying to leave the community. It was about faith, rejection, addiction, love, bravery and extremism. I watched Wild Wild Country which was equally great. Now what? I had a very vivid dream. I was in my childhood home, my cat was there and there were many people getting ready for school or work. Taking showers, blow drying hair, picking out outfits. I was part of it. Just as everyone was leaving for their day I realized I couldn't leave like everyone else. I was not going to school or work. I wasn't going anywhere. I couldn't go. Everyone left without me and I was left stuck. Feeling so so stuck. Stuck in prison life. I'm trying to make the best of it. I take my kids for ice cream and take pictures of me smiling. I took them to the movies yesterday for Father's Day and the agitation mounted so intensely it was discouraging. I know this is the wrong attitude but it feels almost better NOT to try leaving the house much or doing much so I'm not reminded, like the dream, that I am not going anywhere anytime soon.
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90 days FREE of benzodiazepines.
90 days free of that tiny little pill that turned my life upside down. 90 days free from the chemical benzo prison 90 days! I take 7 pills per day still. I'm duct taped together for now. No one sees it, but I feel it each step I take. 7 pills away from total chemical freedom 7 pills away from feeling my feelings again 7 pills away from being able to work 7 pills away from being able to parent again regularly and consistently 7 pills away from hiking up long mountain trails 7 pills away from sweating hard in a yoga class, feeling that relief and surrender in the end 7 pills away from these chemical hijakers 7 pills away from feeling love, joy again 7 pills away from feeling rest 7 pills away from sleeping soundly 7 pills away from relaxing gently 7 pills away from no longer being so impulsive 7 pills away from regaining patience 7 pills away from not acting like a monster sometimes 7 pills away from being responsible and capable again What will be left is the question. For now, I am awake at 1 am. I've felt like I have had the stomach flu all day and the only thing that helps ( and I'm grateful I can do this) is walking alone listening to music. My energy is so intense I need to keep walking and walking and walking. I don't want to stop walking because when I do my reality comes crashing into me. Grateful for my walks. I'm grateful for new connections and friends I'm grateful for my children, even if they don't know me the way I want them to. Yes, this is hell each and every day. But just like if one would get locked up in prison, we must adapt. Adapt and soldier on. |
AuthorSomeone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY. Archives
November 2018
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