Yup. It's obvious isn't it?
I was just discussing my own PTSD with my counselor today.
I had medical PTSD, first as a child due to many health issues, then as a twenty something year old who battled chronic pain for almost a decade, and NOW.
I was wondering if this makes it harder for me, aside from the kindling, aside from all of that.
It is also strange that I am met with such disbelief by doctors, by people in the recovery community who just don't get the level that I am suffering and almost make me feel like somehow someway I am contributing to this suffering.
But I am. Not intentionally, but because I am ruminating, obsessing, fearful and anticipating the end game here.
I want and need to be chemical free.
I don't give a shit about what anyone says, that my baseline for anxiety was never good and blah blah blah. I was never like this. EVER.
I just read a blog (will attach her link) to a survivor --she is 30 mos free and back in life, slowly and steadily.
I was wondering if she was counting her year of tapering or post jump.Guys I am scared.
Some of my benzo friends are totally sick. Like stuck in a recliner all day sick.
That sick. So sick noone knows what to do with them, how to help them. Is it detox? Is it other meds? Is it amino acids? What the fuck is it?
For me, my other meds (ugh I cringe to even write this) are allowing me to stand up, drive, and probably not want to end my life due to horrific pain. The pain I felt was cancer level pain people. I don't know. I just wonder--is this permanent??? How the fuck could it not be??
I want to be free, so so free. Back to yoga, hiking, life, laughing. You know, all the good stuff. Give it to me already. This last year and a half has been hell. Yet, I continue to taper and taper and I have restarted it with much trepidation.
So I am afraid. How do you cure or heal PTSD?
First thing I need to do is STOP researching. Stop reading horror stories. Stop searching for something else that is causing this.
I need to trust in a higher power, higher energy that is guiding and healing.
The other night I had a hideous dream.
One of those dreams where you feel frozen, paralyzed, conscious but in terror.
I was reaching in the sky--reaching and reaching my hand to god.
Please help me I was saying as I was reaching.
At that very moment, a growling, dark energy appeared. Like a cheetah or a jaguar. It was growling and snarling and hissing. I feel hunted by some dark energy. Not in a paranoid kind of way, just like what the fuck is happening to my life kind of way.
How the fuck did I get here???
I worry (yes, again with the worry) that although I was put on these pills for sleep and had never had a panic attack in my life, I was a worrier. Always was and always will be. Especially after my kids were born. The constant night wake ups and grueling work schedule wore on my sensitive nervous system.
So how long does it take to heal from an iatrogenic brain injury??
Mine feels deep. It feels there is left over healing from those 8 years of pain, from my childhood and those wounds I acquired.
I told a friend today I have two major triggers: Men and my health.
My incessant googling of symptoms and benzos comes from a deep place of not feeling cared for. Not feeling safe. I want someone to look out for me and the doctors that I thought had my best interest in mind were just DUMB and IGNORANT. I am pissed.
Noone told me to taper slowly and maybe I wouldn't have listened anyway. So, here I am...
One way or another I need to jump off this medication.
Is it possible?
I truly don't know.
Is my PTSD hindering me?
I need to buckle up and do this.
Going back to the conversation I had with my friend, I jokingly said "It's like a porn addiction, this health googling".
He said, yes, it raises dopamine and adrenaline, just like a porn addiction it doesn't feel good but you can't stop doing it". I am trying to heal but my actions are causing more harm and I need to stop. I know that. OCD has kicked in in high gear. I really hope I have it in me to do this.
I find it very hard to gain comfort in the things that normally give me comfort---long walks, friends, talking, sharing, work, my children, shopping, and just being out and smelling the roses. Today I managed a trip to therapy and I picked up my son. I "acted" normal. Today was more of a window as compared to yesterday. But I told my friend, none of it would be possible without the other toxic drugs I am on assisting me. The pain is just too hard unaided. That's my truth. I am too kindled. You have to know your limits, and while I can handle an immense amount of pain, two months ago I was near death. Literally.
As I have said before, I need some hobbies--like yesterday!
Today I re-signed a lease in my office though it's been accumulating dust these days.
It's really too too painful to think about. I had finally "arrived" in the office of my dreams and instead the universe is pushing me OUT in another direction altogether. A direction I never thought I would be in and a direction that feels like utter HELL. I have a fantasy that in two years I will be back in the office, maybe even before. I don't know if this will be true for me or not. I just don't know. We all don't. We just have to put on brave foot in front of the other.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.