You never win a fight with reality

You never win a fight with reality.
The other day I went to a meditation class. I couldn't sit through much of it but I heard those words and my heart ached.
I so want my reality at the moment to be different.
I want to go back to my job, I want to bounce up from bed, make my kids breakfast.
I want to help them put their clothes on and drive them to school.
I want to come home and get excited about what I am going to wear for work, do my hair, put on some jewlery and get ready for the day.
I want to be part of the world again.
I don't feel part of the world at the moment. I am part of a benzo underground. Part of a dark nightmare that I am waiting to wake up from.
A friend said " You are doing better than you think you are".
No, No, I am not. I can fake it. Inside I feel the terror, chemical anxiety, jaw tightening, chest pain, akathesia, morning terror.
Where am I?
I feel lost. I don't feel like me anymore.
Today I sat through a whole movie.
It was a good day.
I have had several (3-4) "better' days recently. I don't know why. I don't know if the akathesia horror will return. I am so so horrified by the last 5 weeks. By this last year and a half that I have micro tapered and probably doing everything in the book wrong. I am trying to stay strong. 
Today I cuddled my children. I tickled them. I smiled. I hope they can feel my love. I hope I can be whole again soon
I want my reality to be different but it's not, and it never will be.
I am in this.
And I have options:
1.reinstate
2. detox the last 1mg
3. hold here and taper slowly.
Endure??? at the end. I got a taste of it. It was the most horrifying brutal torture I cannot even explain. I feel like I lived through a fucking horror show these last couple of weeks.
A knowledgeable benzo friend said to me "It's not just 1mg, you've been tapering now for 1 year, on it for 1.5 years" But I have had an on/off history, I have health issues and I am downright scared. 
The terror I felt from morning to night for one month doesn't seem bearable. I know Bliss Johns lived it, Jennifer Leigh lived it, Matt Samet lived it. But how do I endure the akathesia?
Everyone just says " Oh it's your anxiety"
People,, Listen. This isn't anxiety. Its something entirely different. I want to be heard already. If I am heard maybe I/we/others can be helped.
I want to write positives. When akathesia hits there is no positive. I am sorry to say this. It's impossible. It's painful. It's agony. I hear Bliss John's words " It's normal, It's normal".
Today has been ok. I made it through a movie. I distracted myself long enough to sit through it. The old me. The old me that loves movies, books, yoga, life ohhh life. Yes, I love life.
But I am fighting my reality and I know that will only bring be suffering.
Acceptance. Working on deep acceptance over here.
​What about you??
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