You never win a fight with reality.
The other day I went to a meditation class. I couldn't sit through much of it but I heard those words and my heart ached.
I so want my reality at the moment to be different.
I want to go back to my job, I want to bounce up from bed, make my kids breakfast.
I want to help them put their clothes on and drive them to school.
I want to come home and get excited about what I am going to wear for work, do my hair, put on some jewlery and get ready for the day.
I want to be part of the world again.
I don't feel part of the world at the moment. I am part of a benzo underground. Part of a dark nightmare that I am waiting to wake up from.
A friend said " You are doing better than you think you are".
No, No, I am not. I can fake it. Inside I feel the terror, chemical anxiety, jaw tightening, chest pain, akathesia, morning terror.
Where am I?
I feel lost. I don't feel like me anymore.
Today I sat through a whole movie.
It was a good day.
I have had several (3-4) "better' days recently. I don't know why. I don't know if the akathesia horror will return. I am so so horrified by the last 5 weeks. By this last year and a half that I have micro tapered and probably doing everything in the book wrong. I am trying to stay strong.
Today I cuddled my children. I tickled them. I smiled. I hope they can feel my love. I hope I can be whole again soon
I want my reality to be different but it's not, and it never will be.
I am in this.
And I have options:
2. detox the last 1mg
3. hold here and taper slowly.
Endure??? at the end. I got a taste of it. It was the most horrifying brutal torture I cannot even explain. I feel like I lived through a fucking horror show these last couple of weeks.
A knowledgeable benzo friend said to me "It's not just 1mg, you've been tapering now for 1 year, on it for 1.5 years" But I have had an on/off history, I have health issues and I am downright scared.
The terror I felt from morning to night for one month doesn't seem bearable. I know Bliss Johns lived it, Jennifer Leigh lived it, Matt Samet lived it. But how do I endure the akathesia?
Everyone just says " Oh it's your anxiety"
People,, Listen. This isn't anxiety. Its something entirely different. I want to be heard already. If I am heard maybe I/we/others can be helped.
I want to write positives. When akathesia hits there is no positive. I am sorry to say this. It's impossible. It's painful. It's agony. I hear Bliss John's words " It's normal, It's normal".
Today has been ok. I made it through a movie. I distracted myself long enough to sit through it. The old me. The old me that loves movies, books, yoga, life ohhh life. Yes, I love life.
But I am fighting my reality and I know that will only bring be suffering.
Acceptance. Working on deep acceptance over here.
What about you??
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.