A window.
Wave Window Wave Window Wave Wave TSUNAMI Here I am 61 days off benzos. Two other tapers to go. Every time I get excited, even a little nervous BANG. WHAM. Terror. I'm feeling it now. It was from an innocuous email. Why does everything cause so much fear in my CNS. I had a rough beginning to the day. My bladder has hurt SO badly that I was convinced it was a UTI. I mean I was doubled over, crying. But NO. It's my IC flaring BADLY or muscles or nerves misfiring. I have been sitting with a heating pad on my area for DAYS. It's so relentless and boring. Today I managed to wash my sheets, drive my kid to a play date, buy donuts (NOOO not for me) and do more laundry. I dyed my own hair. I did my own nails. Just because. Because if I don't do these things, I no longer feel like I even resemble myself. I want to feel that ease in my body. I look at others and envy their ease. Envy that at the end of the night they can kick back with a glass of wine, some good sex and RELAX. Ohhh one can dream. It was hot today. The beginning of summer and it felt like 90 degrees, dry and delicious. I dream of summer holidays, of lying around the pool baking in the sun. I can almost convince myself when I am having a window that I will feel that comfort again until BAM...... I get a shock of terror as I have just gotten minutes ago. And my nerves inside feel burned. Burned so badly. Then I just wonder HOW HOW HOW long will this take. Is it possible to even heal? I'm told it is. Can I in fact heal on Gabapentin? That remains yet to be seen. I have no choice though. I can't pace 18 hours a day. I can't, I just cannot. This has been relentless torture for so long, the thought of years ahead well, I just have to stay in the moment don't I. I haven't seen my kids in over a week. They were sick, and I was petrified to have to take an antibiotic. Petrified if I will ever need any meds again. But I can't live in a bubble. This PTSD is enormous. I'm getting lots of immunological testing done--mast cell activation and other markers. My immunologist was impressive. He believed my history with parasites. Interstitial cystitis, allergies all have a connection in the IGE portion of the immune system. I don't know what this means, but I hope there are answers to the layers upon layers of healing that needs to be done in order for me to rebuild my life again. I covet HEALTH. I covet a normal person's CNS. I think I have said that before because it is true today and every day from the minute I wake up until the minute I am finally allowed sleep with the jackhammer going off in my brain. So right now, after a window day I am sitting here with enormous head pressure and terror. My inside feels singed. The funny thing about a wave is that when it occurs, the window feels lost entirely like it never existed. I guess this is what is called the negativity bias. I want to live again.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorSomeone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY. Archives
November 2018
Categories
All
|