Window wave window wave window..

A window.
Wave
Window
Wave
Window
Wave 
Wave
TSUNAMI

Here I am 61 days off benzos. Two other tapers to go. Every time I get excited, even a little nervous BANG. WHAM. Terror.
I'm feeling it now.
It was from an innocuous email. 
Why does everything cause so much fear in my CNS.  
I had a rough beginning to the day.
My bladder has hurt SO badly that I was convinced it was a UTI. I mean I was doubled over, crying. But NO. It's my IC flaring BADLY or muscles or nerves misfiring. I have been sitting with a heating pad on my area for DAYS. It's so relentless and boring. 
Today I managed to wash my sheets, drive my kid to a play date, buy donuts (NOOO not for me) and do more laundry. I dyed my own hair. I did my own nails.  Just because.
Because if I don't do these things, I no longer feel like I even resemble myself. I want to feel that ease in my body. I look at others and envy their ease. Envy that at the end of the night they can kick back with a glass of wine, some good sex and RELAX. Ohhh one can dream.
It was hot today. The beginning of summer and it felt like 90 degrees, dry and delicious.
I dream of summer holidays, of lying around the pool baking in the sun. I can almost convince myself when I am having a window that I will feel that comfort again until BAM...... I get a shock of terror as I have just gotten minutes ago. And my nerves inside feel burned. Burned so badly.
Then I just wonder HOW HOW HOW long will this take. Is it possible to even heal? I'm told it is.

Can I in fact heal on Gabapentin?
That remains yet to be seen. I have no choice though. I can't pace 18 hours a day. I can't, I just cannot. This has been relentless torture for so long, the thought of years ahead well, I just have to stay in the moment don't I.
I haven't seen my kids in over a week. They were sick, and I was petrified to have to take an antibiotic. Petrified if I will ever need any meds again. But I can't live in a bubble. This PTSD is enormous.
I'm getting lots of immunological testing done--mast cell activation and other markers. My immunologist was impressive. He believed my history with parasites. Interstitial cystitis, allergies all have a connection in the IGE portion of the immune system. I don't know what this means, but I hope there are answers to the layers upon layers of healing that needs to be done in order for me to rebuild my life again.  I covet HEALTH. I covet a normal person's CNS. I think I have said that before because it is true today and every day from the minute I wake up until the minute I am finally allowed sleep with the jackhammer going off in my brain. 

So right now, after a window day I am sitting here with enormous head pressure and terror. My inside feels singed.  The funny thing about a wave is that when it occurs, the window feels lost entirely like it never existed. I guess this is what is called the negativity bias.
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​I want to live again.