Which way to go
Today I woke up with more energy. These days more energy means I am lit on fire. Burning in my throat in my chest and an underlying fatigue. I stand up and need to sit back down. Is this just withdrawal? I was comforted today after talking briefly with Jennifer Leigh PsyD. She also had a positive IGENEX test for lyme. She dismissed it and said, it isn't lyme, it's all withdrawal. I know I had issues BEFORE with my immunity so I am trying to sort things out. One. Step. At. A. Time.
One. Moment. At. A. Time. The burning terror is with me, and there are just no words to describe it.
Today I opened bills, I made breakfast. I am grateful for those moments and abilities. I talked with a BB friend yesterday and her situation made me sad. She had limited mobility after a cold turkey and was put on neurontin. Then reinstated. She is in daily hell now. She is despondant. I am SO mad at these drugs and what they do to people's lives. She was a virbrant, spiritual woman. She couldn't sleep, them WHAM. I don't know what will happen when I am full OFF. I feel determined not to use adjunct medication as I think it slows down the healing process but I have to say the last ten days has been VERY severe. I just kept saying, "Please help me, Please help me".
Today I meditated. Ignoring symptoms as best I can. Eating. Drinking tons of water. Praying SO hard that I am not doing irreversible damage to my nervous system. I never imagined this would happen in a million years. I didn't even know this was possible. I pray for health. I pray for inner peace. I have lost a lot recently. I will just say that. My life has changed dramatically and I don't know what the future brings, When I talked with an addiction guy he said he had NEVER heard of this happening to anyone. He wondered what else is this? It can't be the benzo he said. That scares me. I don't know. I cannot face another doctor and another diagnosis so I am staying put for now. I need to pray for my wellness and my family right now.
My son looked at me and said "Mommy, are you still sick". I nodded. He doesn't think I will be well again. I am going to keep living as best I can right now. I cannot really leave the house at the moment without a lot of effort. I was relatively normal two weeks ago. I will be there again with a lot of healing. Show me the way out of this darkness. guide me to the right healers, teachers, mentors, doctors, whoever can help. Maybe the only help right now is TIME. Time, time time.
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Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.