We are not the body.
A good wise friend of mine told me that today.
She suggested that I meditate on the collective, on the idea that we are one and to loosen the hold the body has on me.
As I watched her effortlessly get ready for her day on skype, I was pleased that I didn't have that all too familiar envy. I want to be her. I want to be him. I want to be anyone and everyone but in my own body. Everyone who has been in the throes of med withdrawal has uttered those words, along with " I wish I were me again".
So it was refreshing for me to talk with her today, to get swept up into her adventure and her life with zero focus on my lack. My lack of ability to travel, work, walk freely, exercise, think, love, and so on.
I didn't focus on my LACK today but let myself just be engaged in her story and her experience and let my imagination take me to Florence where she was on a fabulous journey. I didn't get caught up in the future. Will I ever travel again?
Or the past... I remember when I traveled to Italy and was in love.
No, I stayed so present. So present I enjoyed every last drop of our conversation and connection.
No one has a crystal ball. No one can know what the body can and cannot do. Best thing is stay SO present and if you do let your imagination get carried away with you then dream big. I allowed my nervous system to be on a vacation in Italy. I let myself be her and feel her joy and excitement. Though my reality was much different as I gripped my head and squinted my eyes because of the massive head pressure I was having , I chose not to focus on that fact in the moment. I made a choice-- love or fear. And in that moment I chose love.
Anyhow, I know it's easy for "civilians" to give advice. And I know it is frustrating as hell. But here we are. These are the cards I have been dealt and we will see what I make of it or where it takes me.
I saw my psychiatrist the other day after not seeing him for about 8 months.
He had been initially trying to help me get off benzos but when I hit a wall (to put it mildly) he transferred part of my care to another doctor in town that specializes in very complicated low dose benzodiazepine withdrawal. Both are pretty fantastic men. I think that my case actually changed the prescribing practices of my doctor. He's always been a seeker and a thinker. He tested genetics way before it was cool. He discussed gut health and mitochondria before I could even pronounce the word. He is one of the good guys, believe it or not.
When he took me into his office and asked me how I was he began to tell me what a relief it was to see me with my life force back. He told me my spark was back and actually began to cry as he talked to me. I was floored by his empathy. I think it's important not to put everyone into the same category because there are some good guys out there and he sure is one of them. He told me I never had to convince him of my pain, he could see it in my body, in the way I moved, the way I talked and couldn't even finish a sentence in my terrible akathisic state. The truth is I don't feel a whole lot different guys. I am 8 months off this week.
I have completely separated from my body at this point. It's the only thing that allows me to survive the myriad of symptoms that I feel on a daily basis.
I am not med free yet. And while that of course is my goal, I am by no means going to rush the process. I'm protecting my brain and I see NO benefit to rush off drugs and be in a fit of akathisia for the next 2 plus years just to say I'm
'clean" . I hope I'm not one of the ones whose akathisia is permanent but I really truly don't know. And I am beyond terrified at this point to find out.
My children need me.
For them, I need to fake it. I still think they are pissed I no longer live in the home. But on a day like yesterday where I could barely muster the energy to stand up and brush my teeth. I skyped them and said goodnight to them online. And today when I had more power, I sat and read books with them together.
These moments are precious. Every moment we get to do "normal" things is precious. This moment to moment attitude is what is keeping me going at the moment. I'm not being positive, I'm being real. No one in the throes of akathisia can do it gracefully. But we can really savor small minute moments of grace that this process allows us. Moments between people, including our doctors, that remind us we are all in this together and we are all one.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.