So, in two days the BIG number is here. I am at 1mg, But, sadly, I am struggling. This week was hard. Extra responsibilities with children and work. Last night I could not sleep until 3am. So far along this process I have not had problems falling asleep, just staying asleep. I would say I have been sleep deprived but this week reminded me of the beginning of my acute cold turkey.
Everyone asks, did you taper too fast? Updose. Hold. How the F>:@#$ do you ever get off?
My PVC heart palps are getting stronger. The feeling of being AMPED is intense. Even previously when my stress response was on, somehow I could fall asleep. Maybe I am rewriting history. Goddamn you benzo withdrawal. I do not want to allow this little tiny pill to take everything away from me.....my children, my career, my marriage. Because of a tiny pill that was PUSHED on me. Fuck that guy. Sorry, I am resentful. I just AM. Today I talked with a doctor who had his own experience with benzos. I was comforted that he revealed to me his own struggle and surrender to just stay on sleeping pills. He has been on them for 40 years, since he entered medical school. He was on much higher doses but was able to come down a significant amount, and then just decided, this is too hard. It is. What Baylissa did required 3 years of complete surrender. Jennifer Leigh as well. And so many others that have graciously posted their successes on BB. They are beacons of hope, light at the end of this dark dark tunnel. I talked to another BB'er and when I said my biggest pressure was having to get up for work, she remarked that it is rare for someone to be able to hang onto their job while enduring this.
I called my doctor this morning to discuss this amped feeling. It is hard to describe but it just feels as though all of my nerves are awake. I don't yet feel manic or psychotic or anything but I am on that spectrum, Wednesday I was almost feeling good, But I have to be careful with both 'good' sensations and 'bad' ones. The excitatory states just go higher, and higher and higher and higher.... No. I am not bipolar. Never have experienced this lack of come down in my life. NEVER.
Several days ago I stopped being able to wear my contacts because my eyes started burning and watering.
My bladder was filled with discomfort. I sweat in my sleep. My ears are ringing. I burn. But, the main problem is SLEEP. If I could be guarenteed sleep and no akathesia, I could do this.
The doctor I saw today told me I seemed agitated. Yes, I am agitated. I just meditated for 45 minutes. I am trying to do my part. I know everyone says, stop focusing on this , stop talking about it... but it's just fucking hard. It's hard when you are trying to keep your life going. It's hard when you look 'normal' but feel that you are crumbling inside. It's hard when you fear that a psychiatric hospital might be in your future. Something I would never have thought I would utter in a million years.
Doctors have been over prescribing these medications since-- I don't know the 50's or 60's. A tragedy that this doctor, a fine fellow was left on these drugs for this long and tried multiple times to get off. He said it became unsafe with blood pressure and other issues. What the fuck people? Wake up doctors. Please please please. What is it going to take? So many doctors and nurses and people that are dealing with this in hiding. Ashamed to come out and talk about their experience for fear of being looked at with judgement and misunderstanding which most likely they would. Honestly, you cannot possibly understand the depth of this unless you have experienced it first hand or have witnessed the suffering of someone else first hand. This doctor told me that benzos stay in your bone marrow for over a year. It takes a long long time for them to leave your system.
So, yeah. I guess tonight I am agitated. Yes, that is accurate.
What about you? I hope today is a better day. Don't let this post discourage you. Tomorrow is a new day. And this next moment I take a new breath.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.