Turning over a new leaf
Yesterday was filled with god awful terror.
From morning to night.
It's not anxiety people. It is chemical terror that is probably one of the worst feelings imaginable.
I paced during the day.
I went to therapy and my therapist was almost in tears looking at my distress.
I was in pure torture
I forced myself to lay down and breathe.
I took some CBD oil in desperation, I couldn't bear one more minute of the terror. Searing chest pain. I didn't want to move. To come out of my room. To do anything. I just wanted to go away , I wanted relief so badly. To be "normal" again. This feels like agony.
I read some spiritual books.
I did some surrendering.
I did some neural retraining. I was able to doze off because the terror and adrenaline just got so intense.
I honestly don't know how to do this. I keep saying that. I feel like there MUST be something else wrong.
The appt the other day and a doctor telling me I "didn't have a healthy brain" because of my reactions to medications scared the living shit out of me. It riled me up. It's why I refused to go to a doctor and had to back away. I can't bear the fall out. And no one outside of the benzo world realizes the tragedy and gaslighting that is happening to people.
I know myself.
I know who I am and who I am not.
I know I didn't have neurological symptoms before.
If I did have an odd twitch here and there it was manageable.
I didn't have end of life pain in my chest
I didn't have stabbing, prickling, tingling, terror
I wasn't a good sleeper but I wasn't like this.
I didn't have anxiety over NOTHING.
Not mental anxiety, physical.
THIS ISN'T ME
I know you all believe me, but the medical people do not and that is disappointing.
This becomes something my brain is doing, rather than the medication I was given for no good reason.
Well, I went to another neurologist and will be following up with further tests. I need to rule out autoimmune issues and other things. Something honestly in my gut doesn't feel right.
Today was a bit better. It involved a doctor but I went in with a plan, and asked my husband to back me up.
I went on a walk.
I collapsed on the couch for a nap. Toxic nap. Awakened being startled and confused. In back pain.
The level of discomfort is just, well .....BEYOND.
Jennifer Leigh's blog talks about accepting the new normal and finding something to distract or put your attention on. Her ideas are good. I have implemented many of them---asking friends to come over for dinner, going for a walk if I can. Many friends have fallen away. I don't want to keep calling "in this state" because it gets tired and old. And no one can understand. And on some days there is just NOTHING one can do but be in bed, or a recliner. That's how it goes. Accept. Surrender. I used to walk literally 2.5 hours up a mountain, pushing my little son in his stroller. Today I was huffing and puffing down the street but I pushed myself to get out and WALK as long as I possibly can to preserve my conditioning.
I am trying to get a local group together and have talked to a local buddy who is wonderful. She has been off 2.5 years but is now wrangling a battle with gabapentin. The drug the docs say "has no withdrawal". Give me a break. Once kindled the CNS is just different.
I pray for healing.
I am grateful today is better than yesterday and that's all I got today.
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Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.