I called a hotline yesterday. I was alone in the house pacing with inner restlessness. I was in agony. I could lie down but then would have to move. The thought that it is this bad now and I am not even off the drug, that is not comforting. Each successive withdrawal keeps getting stronger. My heart is beating faster, skippng beats. I am unwell. This just started with 3 times a week use for four months? WHAT?!!!! How am I here? Why am I here?
The woman who answered was named Loretta. She was somewhere in Maryland, I am not even sure. I felt a calm when she talked. She said, "what can you do right now. Put that inner restlessness to work. What is one thing you can do while you are on the phone?". I paced and sobbed. I just want to be me. She said, "There are two things we know... this is temporary and there are others that have walked this path before you". Then she asked me if I was spiritual. I said, yes, She asked me to talk to god, or higher power or whatever. I started to clean my kids room. It was painful. My legs are shaking, they feel like jello and I have no strength. Just one week into this acute type of feeling has aged me 10 years. God, I yearn to feel as good as I did two weeks ago. What the hell happened? With valium it is sneaky. It sneaks up on you at the 3 week mark. I am getting to know this process and my body. I should have held my taper and not continued while I was sick. I was doing so well. I am afraid. At what point do I go to a hospital. I am safer at home. When I put my head down at night I pray I will wake up. Then when I wake up I sigh the dreaded sigh of oh no not one more day of this torture. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other.
I don't have the energy to call anyone. Doctors will only push medications. I tried gabapentin twice but have read that has it's own withdrawal. It is just covering up what is underneath....the benzo withdrawal storm.
So back to Loretta. She was fantastic. She kept reminding me she was not a licensed therapist. I told her, you are better than many of the licensed therapists I have talked to.... She was a soulful smart, tough African American woman and through her advice I could feel she had walked in these shoes. or similar shoes. When I asked her if she had known anyone or if she herself had experience with this... she just laughed. Then I knew. She understood me. She understood this beast. She got it.
I started the conversation by saying I am tapering off a medication. She was quick to say, good for you, but then I said, well actually I am down to the last 1mg and don't know how to get off without losing my life and my sanity. I truly don't. I need someone to hold my hand. Someone that has walked this path before.
Loretta said , "pray to god and know he is with you at every moment. Where is he right now?" I said, "He isn't with me", She said "you are giving in to the fear every time you stop believing and talking to Him." I am starting to get religious folks. Just get me out of this pain. I listened,"ok". The fear, yes, When the restlessness comes it is so agonizing that there is fear and pain around the painful sensations Relax into it. Go with it. Don't fight it. Don't fight it. Divine, Source whoever is with you. Each and every step of the way. Instead of turning to the fear, turn to source energy, turn to the divine and know you will be ok my friends, we will be ok one day.
Step into the restlessness. USE it. Easier said than done my friends. My poor body is tired. My mind is frayed. So much has happened in the last week. I have lost many things. I am in disbelief. But I have had no choice but to walk this path alongside many walking it right now and those that have walked through it in the past. They have gotten through and I pray that I will too, Please let me get through this.
My body is burning today. I burn ALL OVER. I feel sick to my stomach. The restlessness has lessened. Today, I have the gift of burning. Someone on BB said it was his doctor saying that the nerves are coming alive again and it's a GOOD thing to burn. Ok, whatever idiot. But, I prefer that to someone scaring me. My own doctor said I had some autoimmune process going on--last thing I need is more fear. Burning is withdrawal. That's it. Let's keep it simple because I cannot do anything about the damage this is causing. Yesterday I made it through, yes, I made it through. With the help of Loretta and so many others.
Loretta said, "Call me anytime". I will call Loretta, I will call. You were my gift yesterday.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.