this is just withdrawal. This is just withdrawal...right?

Telling myself, This is just withdrawal.This is just withdrawal.This is just withdrawal.This is just withdrawal.This is just withdrawal.This is just withdrawal.This is just withdrawal.This is just withdrawal.This is just withdrawal.This is just withdrawal.

Right?!!

I think we tend to question this because of the true horrible nature of iatrogenic injury from these class of medications. I cannot sleep. But it's beyond just that. I won't moan about the symptoms. I am eating waffles at 4 in the morning. I have to. I am trying to stay full of nutrients and nourishment no matter what. If I feel a little hunger, I force myself. Force feed myself. I need to keep my weight up. Oh, the irony. I spent my latter teens and early twenties wanting to stay thin. Overexercising and keeping fit. Now all I want is peace. All I want is stillness in my body and mind. And ten pounds. Perspective.
I look at photos of when I just gave birth and I yearn to go back to those days. Any day but today.
But here I am. That is the root of all suffering wishing I was somewhere that I am not. So, here I am. In this moment up since 2am. eating waffles and writing on a blog that noone will ever see.  Being in the here and now.

I am grateful. I have a lot of love in my life. My beautiful children, my husband, Friends, old ones and new ones. My neighbor and close friend saw me yesterday and started to cry. She is an amazing person. Amazing. She cried with me, rubbed my back. She is holding together so much herself and I value her friendship. I have a new benzo friend too, he is local and we just connect. Same wavelength. Another old friend came by and just sat with me. Hugged me. Told me it was hard to see my suffer. That is what all of my friends say. And I am done with it too. I am really done but it's what my brain knows. Do I continue to push past my body's limit and keep going? No, I feel worse doing that. Staying home now feels safe. This week is hard and I hope that it will get better with holding. What worked for you dear reader, fellow benzo warrior? 

A friend of my husband's came over and we talked about death. He said, it's like a candle that is lit up and it has to go out sometime. It's a beautiful thing and doesn't have to be a scary one. But I am not ready to leave this fucking planet. I know I have to walk through some more suffering to get to the other side of this but I want to get to the other side. I want to find peace and quiet in my mind. Soon. Very soon. I want to read stories to my children, pick them up from school and feel their hugs when they come running up to me. I want to take them to the park, throw a ball and hear them laugh. I want to hear their excitement, their joy, I want to kiss them when they are sick. I want to be well enough to do these things and right now I am not. I am not well enough to do these things. I have been limited all year long while on this taper. I fake it. Oh yes, I can do that. But now I surrender. I am not surrendering to death though. I am here fighting no matter what. I cannot fake it any longer. The days will be what they will be and I will bless the good moments until they lessen one by one by one. 
I wish I had Baylissa by my side 24/7. I don't know how she does it. The woman is a freaking magician. We laughed on the phone. We talked and talked and her stories of her experience reassured me. She is better now. She assured me that we would be laughing and that soon I would be better too. I treasure this woman. She is really and truly a gift.