This is brutally hard today

My skin is on fire. I can barely sit still. My heart is beating out of my chest. I am scared. No two ways about it. I desperately want my mind and body back. As imperfect as they were/are, it was nothing like this. I could sit still. All my nerves weren't on fire. I was happy. I could read books to my children. I could sleep somewhat. I was doing ok. Drugs have made me into someone else. I want ME back so terribly badly.
I was on facebook and saw a post of a woman who committed suicide because 11 mos post taper she was still battling akathesia. The dreaded symptom that made me reinstate. I feel the storm underneath me.
I feel too confused to do anything except write. I don't even know if I am making sense or who I am writing to. I am just writing. It's calming. And for whatever reason, being on BB feels calming too but I know it actually is NOT calming. Goal: stay off the boards for a week. Let your body settle.
I think it is time to surrender. I will see how this week goes. If it continues to be this brutal I need to stop working. The thought of accumulating debt for an unknown period of time fills me with fear. I know money can't solve problems but having money right now would help. I could hire a nurse. I could go to a center to calm my system down. Really, what is the point.
A treatment center won't fix a broken nervous system, only time will.
I have to get my positivity back..
The one thing I need to look at is my supplements. I added zinc and something called juice plus because it is supposed to help the immune system. I know when I tried NAC I felt like this. And when I tried magnesium I felt like this too.
I was so up the other day I thought I would never sleep. But I did. Barely. 
Scared scared scared.
I am preparing and going to hold right now. I am stopping all supplements and hoping that a good nights sleep will help me.
Today is a very rough day.
Very very rough.
I need a plan of action, a team and I feel like a lone wolf figuring this out with a sick brain.
I don't know how I have survived it this long.
I do not want to updose but I do not want to feel this. Did I go to fast? ignore ignore ignore
Pray pray pray.
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