The holidays

I walked through target the other day scrambling around looking for last minute gifts for my children and I hate to say this but I feel jealous of all the people calmly browsing through the aisles, sifting through the cards, trying on makeup. All I feel is prickling. Panic. 
I used to LOVE shopping. I could shop until I dropped. Just browsing was fun. I even joked that I loved shopping so much even food shopping counted. When will I be me?
My CNS feels so bruised guys. I know yours might too. Something feels WRONG though.
Severe shock and burning. 
I did something stupid. I am not sure I regret it but it was a low moment.
I left a nasty voicemail on the doctor's line who prescribed me these meds.
I know he didn't intend to harm me.
But why the F?$%^ didn't he properly WARN me. I know I am not special. We are all in this. So very few of us knew about the dangers of dependence, the need to taper, the fact that these drugs can harm and burn your CNS in as little as a month or less.
I didn't use daily.
I didn't use high doses.
I didn't even use for anxiety. 
I JUST WANTED TO SLEEP.
So.. I know I am no unique butterfly and I need to put my resentment to bed.
It was hard. Close to the holidays, and with the realization that I have lost so much.
This time last year I reinstated. I thought I was doing the right thing. I was pacing like crazy but I  was in MUCH better shape mentally, and physically then I am now. I was stronger. I had no nerve pain. I did have the feeling of shock in my chest but now it is far far worse.
Is this just benzos?
I wasn't well before the benzo, I know I keep saying that because when I read success stories I worry... will i be that 6 % that doesn't heal according to Ashton?
I didn't need to know that percentage. It seems quite high actually.
Then I was reading a blog called MERRYJOYOUSANDFREE by a man who went to hell and back getting off psychotropic meds. It is a moving and touching blog. Informative too.
There is a lot on there and I will post the link.
I read a success story....  a woman said that one KEY to her recovery was basically training the body how to relax naturally again. Three years prior this woman didn't know how to take a shower. That's how injured she was. And now she said she is partner dancing! She can pick up new steps and work on her routine. She said she still suffers from w/d symptoms but considers herself HEALED. VERY GOOD ADVICE

We must: Train our brains to relax naturally again

It's hard. I went to a spiritual counselor. She was lovely. She was aghast when she heard my story. When I told her about my kundalini experience several months prior she said it was like a lifeline. She said "spirit is with you". 
I hope so. I pray so.
I don't want to be permanently injured. or my immune system battered.

Anticipating the worst primes the nervous system. It's a good idea to stay off the forums but somehow they calm me in a gross kind of way. I am reading success stories tonight.
One interesting one talked about a neurologist in California who used abilify (like the worst drug ever I have heard) in minute doses to rewire the nervous system. Though this man had a hideous withdrawal and reaction to the drug, within two weeks after a year of hell his receptors kind of snapped back to normal and he felt good again.

What works for one person will not work for another.

Homework:

Learning to train the brain to relax again naturally. Through meditation.
I can no longer sit to meditate. I just don't feel well enough.. so I CAN lie down and do guided meditations for sleep. Commit to 20 minutes twice daily. I was doing this until I got slammed and everything in my routine has gone away. It is SUPER hard with two little kids I tell you...

A smart doctor said---follow the ones that have gotten out of this and healed. Follow them. Read success stories ONLY.

He said:
If you are walking on a tightrope and you look down you will fall.
If you look ahead you can make it to the other side.

Today marks the day when I am dropping ALL resentment. No sense in ripping apart that doctor. He knows my pain and he didn't intent to harm me but he did. The harm comes at the lack of acknowledgement that this problem exists. The lack of acknowlegement of iatrogenic dependence and injury. Unless you yourself have gone through this or know someone personally that has, it is too difficult to believe. It's like children or adult children that try to express to their parents what hurt them in their childhood. Instead of saying, "Yes, I understand your pain, I understand your hurt" they defend and the wound just gets bigger and the trust is lost.
Acknowledge the injury.
This doctor wrote me a letter saying that we discussed using low dose benzos and agreed together? Say what? That is not what happened. I didn't know what I was agreeing to. I said I was scared and he said it was no big deal. He never mentioned the word dependence. He never mentioned the word taper. He said it was perfectly reasonable and safe.  So, if we as consumers agree with the doctor, we are to blame???  No resentment. No resentment. BREATHE.

Believe you will get well.

The spiritual counselor said to me--- just say to yourself " I don't know HOW I will survive this but I KNOW I WILL SURVIVE"

Look, even if I have a messed up immune system which I know I do, I have to pray that getting off this medication won't do permanent damage. I have that disadvantage going into this. 
I also know that despite my messed up immune system I used to hike miles, laugh, play, sit still, yes, I had weird physical issues and reaction to meds and foods and lots of stuff I won't even discuss but my life was FULL. It was OK. It wasn't perfect.
I will take that back and have a renewed joy of life. 

So many that have come through this are so BLISSED out just to sit still. In peace in body and mind. The one's I think that do best are the ones that stay out of doctor's offices unless absolutely medically necessary. 

For now I just want to be present or fake prescence for my little angels. They so desperately need me. They put on big PJ's the other night and pretended to be SUPER BABIES.
I miss being able to be a mother, and a wife and a person in the world outside of this mess. I miss the simple things in life so badly.