Same old same old here.....
The fatigue I have felt the last few days is sprinkled with terror. Wired but tired. And not just tired, this is bone crushing tired. This is I can't move tired and not that good feeling you get after a big workout. This tired extends to motivation too. The tiredness makes it hard to get out of the house. Fuck, this tired makes it hard to get up out of bed.
This tired makes it hard to talk or want to connect with anyone. This tired makes me agitated and angry. Despondent. This tired feels like it will last forever. It feels like my heart and lungs will stop working. It feels like my cells are being strangled and there is just no oxygen in any cell.
I've never felt this in my entire life pre- benzo or neurotoxicity. I have never felt like it's too much of an effort to see my children before this experience. That it feels like too much to make it home in time for their bedtime or make it in time to pick them up from school. That's the kind of tired I am talking about. When my tiredness trumps my ability to love or show up for my children or for anyone else for that matter... that's precisely how tired I feel. Despite this, I push through like a motherfucker and show up anyway. I have no choice.
And yet despite all of this I know it's better than fatigue's evil cousin Akathisia. "Akathisia, also known as the Dance of Death ( one person online just wrote so eloquently about this) is more horrific than words can describe.
And I saw recently a quote on someone's page from the writer David Foster Wallace who said with regards to Akathisia " when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; its the terror of the flames". That sums it up perfectly.
Anyway, now back to bed. Back to lying on my back while piecing my life together.
Someone who found themselves accidentally dependent and suffered an iatrogenic injury from medications that were prescribed. Sharing experience, strength and hope with others. This is written as a person on this winding path and NOT as a professional. Please contact a licensed professional for any medical/psychological care or advice. This is NOT a substitute for medical or psychological care. What is written here reflects my own personal experience ONLY.